Ellie Miller
"“ Who are you? “ I am Lizzie, a princess, and I am five years old.
“ Hi, I'm Lizzie, a princess and I'm five years old," I said smiling, but quickly closed my mouth as I remembered that my front tooth had fallen out. “ Are you a prince too?”
The boy in front of me thinks it's funny. He was a very handsome boy.
“ And what are you doing here, Lizzie?”
“ I came to accompany my dad, he came to talk to you about this building”
“ So I guess your daddy and my daddy are taking care of business. What do you say we play while they talk?”
“ Yes," I say excitedly. “ What is your name?”
“ So Lizzie............
Her voice comes out as a little whisper.
Lizzie"
I wake up startled.
Lizzie.
Only one person after that called me that, and today I don't even remember her. Or I avoid remembering.
It must be about seven years since anyone has called me that. My family called me Lizzie until I was five, but after that my father said I had to grow up.
For a 5 year old child to mature, that was easy enough, it was ironic.
He didn't even know how to be a father, at least not to me.
Not that I remember anything at that age, I don't have that good of a memory, but because in the following years that was what he repeated the most, that from that age on I should mature and see how life really was.
I grew up with that.
I look out my bedroom window and see that it is raining. I was not going to go to work today, I got the day off, but I was going to take advantage of it to advance next week's publications. I loved my job so much, it was my first contact with my chosen profession, even if not directly.
After making a cup of coffee, I sit on the couch, facing the balcony and watch the rain fall. A nostalgia hits me.
I liked rainy days when I lived in Los Angeles, I remember running away from home and running through it like there was no tomorrow.
One of the only happy memories I have from there are of the rainy days when I was a kid, when I didn't have so many worries and didn't care about anything, but one of the worst memories also of those days, a good balance to life.
In fact, I never felt that I belonged there, and the people there helped me to have this certainty, it always seemed to me that I simply existed, as if I were wandering in a dream, or rather, in a nightmare.
I let out a long sigh.
I avoid thinking so much, but it becomes impossible, as if my mind wants to torture me, as if I haven't suffered enough already, so the memories want to do the dirty and painful work. Because it seems as if one memory is pulling on another.
And the next thing I know, I am running my hand over the small scar on my wrist.
Someone knocks on my door and I get up to answer it.
“ Hi Ellie” it was Carly, my neighbor, and she was carrying the cutest little 7 month old in the world, I smile at the same moment "Are you going out?”
I shake my head in the negative, joking with Hope.
“ Could you stay with Hope while I take Helena to the hospital?”
“ Of course! Is everything alright? “ I ask, already taking Hope to my lap and the bag.
“ Since last night she hasn't passed a persistent fever. “ she sighs with a worried look on her face.
“ You should have called me, it would have helped somehow” I set Hope on my lap and put the bag on the table beside the door “ Is Louise coming too?”
“ She's in college, she had an exam, she was up all night with me, I know you're tired too, but I prayed to heaven today that you were here, thank you Ellie, thank you so much”
She leaves, but seems to remember something and comes back.
“ If all goes well, tomorrow we will have Helena's birthday, it's just family, and you are part of it “ she smiles
“ Do you really want to make me cry? “ I speak sincerely “ Get well Helena”
She gives me a smile.
“ Don't miss her, and call me if you need anything”
I agree and she hurries back to her apartment, I enter and close the door.
I loved children, and I loved Hope, Helena and Louise. Hope was a little redheaded baby, just like her sisters and mother, they lived alone, so Carla turned in twenty and whenever I could I would lend a hand.
Louise was the oldest of the daughters, hard working, caring, I saw a lot of myself in her when she was younger, despite the small age difference, she was 20, soon to be 21.
Helena was the middle one, she was 13, she didn't even look like a teenager, she had the responsibility of an adult, and I was amazed at her intelligence, and she had Hope, who was my sweetheart.
Carla lost her husband when she was a few months pregnant with Hope, neither she nor her husband had another family member alive. She was 38 years old, but anyone looking at her would see her as a beautiful woman of 30, if not less.
Whenever I traveled for work, usually on weekends, I left the girls in my care. And I felt as if they really were my family, because they were united more than anything, and this is how I imagined a family, that despite disagreements, they were always united, and loved each other more than anything.
Unfortunately my biological family was not like that. In fact it was quite different, there the word money was worth more than love or anything else. Of course I know that money is necessary, but this is no reason for the lack of affection in the family, but there, you paid with your life for them to make more and more money.
In the first months that I arrived, I felt lost, but going back there was never an option and never would be. So I went forward, facing all the challenges and obstacles, until I got where I am now.
I hear a grumble.
I smile as I turn my eyes back to Hope, and a thousand more memories hit me.
Hope.
Hope meant hope, to me it was like having hope on dark days.
Like being my hope on my dark days.
My salvation.
This would be her daughter's name if she were alive.
I give her another smile.
“ What a beautiful aunt!”
I listen to her hearty laugh.
Despite all my regrets, I think I was finally finding myself somewhere.
Maybe now, I would allow myself to be at least a little happier.
This makes me think of a certain person.
Dan Mancini.