EMOTIONAL BURDEN
Diane’s P.O.V.
After what I heard from Lorenz, I could no longer concentrate in our afternoon class.
No matter what I did, it felt like my mind was floating and fluctuating even though it was my favorite subject the professor was discussing—Strategic Management. My mind abruptly went somewhere, and throughout the class, I was absent-minded.
Since then, I repeatedly asked myself if I made the right decision of answering Liam immediately despite the fact that I didn’t know him completely. Or was it right to follow my instinct just because we had this strong attraction towards each other, and it was already enough reason for me not to know him further?
In just a blink of an eye, I got filled with mixed doubt, confusion, disappointment, and sorrow. In just a snap of a finger, I found myself struggling in between love and hurt.
After class, we went to the faculty room to submit our documentary thesis. Almost all the questions that came from our thesis adviser were answered by my best friends because I only gawked at nowhere. I promised to make up to them at the actual thesis defense.
Until the three of us parted our ways, I hadn’t still opened my lips. Karen proposed that she could stay with me, but I silently refused by shaking my head. She asked me then if it was really okay for her to leave with Lorenz, and I forced a smile before I nodded. She reminded me not to think things out thoroughly.
Downcast, I couldn’t understand what was happening around me. It seemed like everything was slowly falling apart, and it even came to a point that I accused myself of being an easy-to-get woman!
What happened in the past no longer mattered to me. I looked forward to dealing with the future because we were not living backwards. Perhaps, a lot of things couldn’t just stop running in my head right now.
I was overthinking things. Why wouldn’t I? Liam was my first boyfriend. I must admit that a part of my expectation was somehow ruined by thinking that my first boyfriend was once a drug addict.
So many questions were taking away how I viewed life in a positive way! What really happened then? Why did he take drugs? Disappointed, I scratched my head, grumpily stroked my hair up, and let it fall on my shoulders messily.
But isn’t it a bit unfair to Liam for me to accuse him like this?
It wasn’t that long since I gave my ‘yes’ to him, and that was the main reason why I didn’t want to doubt him as much as possible. God knew how much I loved him, but now, I was so confused.
Rubbing my palms against my face, I didn’t know what would be the best thing to do. I was damnably curious about what really happened to Liam before. I loved him so much, and I would still accept him with open arms, but he must tell me everything first. I wanted to know nothing else but the whole truth.
Karen consoled me earlier after Lorenz dropped the bomb inside our classroom. She told me not to regret everything and not to jump to any conclusions yet, since we didn’t even know what was the truth. She even threatened to kill Lorenz if he was only pranking me, but he was damn too serious. Well, how I wished that he was actually lying to me so as not to deal with that rumor anymore.
As Lorenz said, it was only gossip. There was no such evidence to prove that it was real. But why did Liam have to leave the Philippines way back then? Why did he have to go to the States? I heaved a deep sigh out of anguish. This one was torturing me.
Oh my God, Diane! What happened to you? Where is the previous Diane, who used to be optimistic in everything she does? The woman who focused on the solutions rather than the dilemmas?
You’re only making things hard for both of you and Liam. Go and ask him for you to figure things out and end those nonsense thoughts of yours as soon as possible! my subconscious mind bellowed.
My mind was clouded with negativities, and it was driving me insane. I used to have a lot on my plate already, I didn’t want to add more to it.
If this was the consequence of having a boyfriend without making him go through the proper way of courtship, I wished I hadn’t had a boyfriend then. I shouldn’t have answered Liam in just two days without knowing him well. I guessed I needed a little more time to adjust to this emotional burden.
I was currently sitting on one of the waiting benches here at our school’s parking lot beside the vending machine when someone dragged me out of my reverie by kissing me on my left cheek. When I turned on my side, a perfect heartthrob appeared with his face just an inch from me.
My butterflies in the stomach betrayed me as they moved in contrast with what I really felt. I still loved him despite what I heard from Lorenz. My heart was still screaming Liam’s name and everything in me was yearning for him.
He had changed his clothes, and he even looked like he just came from a shower. He was wearing black pants and a long-sleeved blue-striped polo where the first three buttons were open on his chest. The sleeves were decently folded up to his elbow, and his aromatic masculine scent began soothing my nose.
“Hey, is something wrong?” He immediately noticed my apparent exhaustion and sullen look, so his smiles left his handsome face real soon. “Wait, are you sick?” He touched my neck and forehead to feel if I was beyond the normal temperature.
After shrugging my shoulders, I shook my head, indicating that I wasn’t sick. Then, my lips twitched. “Liam, can we talk? But not here,” I almost whispered, and I didn’t even give him a chance to respond as I looked out for my things.
After fixing the strap of my bag on my right shoulder, I turned to the books that were currently sitting on my right side. Then, I got up. My right hand held the two books I borrowed from the library close to my chest. I mindlessly walked past Liam even though I did not know where he parked his car.
I knew that he was wondering why I suddenly acted this way; however, he did nothing but followed me until I felt that he affectionately held my left hand and squeezed it. Now, I couldn’t help but melt again.
He led the way to his car. Like his blue polo, he changed his car again into a blue Maserati Ghibli. We climbed inside, settled in our seats, then he turned on the car engine. Liam never failed to assist me in everything. He was attentive to my needs.
“Do we have a problem, Diane?” he worriedly asked while driving. At some point, I caught him glancing in my direction before looking back at the road. “We can have dinner somewhere, but where do you want us to go, sweetie? What would you like to eat?”
“I’m not hungry, but… I would like to go to your place,” I said meekly.
I didn’t even answer his first question if we had a problem. The problem was so simple, and I guessed that Liam had already resolved it in the past. It wasn’t really a problem at all, and I was only making it worse. I had not yet heard of Liam’s side, but I already doubted him right away, and it was a little bit unfair for him. I was guilty because I couldn’t help but be pessimistic.
“You mean, in my pad?” he asked in disbelief. I could see frowns all over his forehead even though he wasn’t looking at me.
“Yeah!” I just nodded before turning my face to the right side, looked outside the car, and busied myself with the surroundings.
After that, silence intervened, and we did not talk for the whole trip. Neither of us opened our mouths to start a conversation. I could feel that Liam was hesitant to bring me to his place at first, but he did not oppose or argue with me anymore. I didn’t have any desire to talk to him about other things the two of us so far were concerned about, until I learned what was the truth behind that rumor.