I love you.
Oh. Well, there was that. I found myself pulling away from him, feeling overwhelmed with conflicting emotions. Tandan's dark eyes scrunched beneath his bushy brows.
"Tandan..." I started and then failed to finish. What was I supposed to say?
"You don't love me yet," he realized. Sadness shadowed each of his words, and my heart ached at the sound of it.
"I...I can't."
Now he looked confused.
"I'm still healing from what you had with Lorrie," I said. "And you still hide things from me. I don't understand why. It's not like I've ever done anything to hurt you—not intentionally, I don't think. God, I find it hard to even trust you. I can't...I can't be in love with you."
My ramblings were punctuated with my own look of surprise as I gazed at his stunned face. I rubbed one of my hands against my eye. This was a mess.
Rather than get angry or frustrated, Tandan gently touched on my hip. I raised my eyes to his.
"I meant what I said the other night," he told me. "I want this to be more than sex. I want this to be a real relationship."
I bit my lip. Did I want this to be a real relationship? He could be such a dick sometimes. Then again, he was my mate. I would likely never be interested romantically in another man so how could this not become a real relationship?
"But real relationships require trust," I whispered shyly.
"What can I do to earn that trust then?"
The contrast between his openness now and the last few days seemed astounding. Was it because of the sex? Had that somehow magically made him more receptive to my doubts?
"You can start by telling me what's been wrong with you. Since you wanted to have sex first."
His brows furrowed before he sighed heavily. "It's not...Lee, I don't really want to."
Alarm bells began ringing in my head. If I hadn't suspected something before, I certainly did now. "You don't want to what?" I challenged.
"I don't want to talk about it," he said. "It's not important."
"Um, I would disagree. The fact that it changed your behavior enough for me to notice means it was important."
He just shook his head.
"So you're not going to tell me?"
"I will," Tandan snapped. "Just give me a minute to think, damn it."
I ground my teeth together annoyedly. This kind of tone was what pissed me off. And he wondered why I wanted to reject his ass sometimes. Leaning back so his hand slipped off my bare hip, I moved to get a better look at his face. There was clearly some great debate going on in his mind. I was ready to give up and leave when his eyes flickered up to mine.
"I ran into Lorrie the other day," he told me, rushed and almost defensive. "Nothing happened. I just...she lives down the hall and it was bound to happen at some point. I—"
"Wait, what?" I demanded. "When did you see her?"
"It was...the day I went to look for that little shit who tried to kill you. When I made you stay here, at my apartment."
My head nodded vehemently. "Okay. So you saw her in the hall. Then what?"
"Well...she wanted me to have coffee with her," he continued, more slowly now. "I refused to go in her apartment, but I couldn't say no."
"Why the hell not? I surely damn can."
"Because this is Lorrie we're talking about. She and I have history."
"And so that just automatically means you can go have coffee with her? You wouldn't even let me meet with Matt for coffee!" I fumed. "And he and I have never done anything romantic!"
Tandan growled at me, trying to make me submit to him. "She knows what I am, Lee! She could use that against me if she wanted to. Nothing even fucking happened anyway, okay? We went and had coffee," he stated. His hands were balled into fists. "That. Was. It."
"And what did Lorrie want to talk to you about over coffee?"
"That she's been lonely and doesn't understand what happened."
"Well, who could blame her?" I hissed sarcastically.
He was literally the biggest idiot ever. I was overcome with abhorrence for him. There was nothing I no longer wanted to do but get away from him.
This time he snapped his jaws at me with a warning growl, to which I snarled back. My wolf was never triggered by anyone else. Then again, no one else was this impossible to get along with. And there was no one else my wolf cared so much about.
"There is something out there that tried to kill you," he reminded me in a gruff voice, a suggestion that his wolf was ready to come out. "Lorrie is not a concern."
"They are both concerns!" I insisted. "What is the point of keeping me alive if I'm only going to be miserable? We've mated three times but we haven't even marked each other. What does that say about our relationship?"
We stared at each other in silence for a moment. I felt estranged by my own words. Was I really miserable? That seemed a bit much. Then again, every time I thought about them together I did feel worthless. And we still hadn't marked, which was a very valid concern.
"You're miserable?" he asked.
"I guess so...this is not what having a mate should feel like. It's not happy—"
"And you don't think we can change that? I'll mark you right now, Lee. I'll do it right now if you want me to."
At one point, I had thought it was possible to repair our bond. I thought that time and affection could mend the busted trust between us. But I was wrong. This dilemma with Lorrie was not going away anytime soon unless Tandan intentionally put an end to it. Marking my neck wouldn't erase the feelings he still had for her.
"Even if you swear to never seek her out," I spoke quietly, "she is still in love with you. She is going to keep seeking you out. And you are not strong enough to turn her away. Not even with the marking."
I turned away to slip off the bed. We are done here, I wanted to say. He was my mate and there was nothing that would ever change that. But that didn't mean I should have to keep tormenting myself. Pausing, I turned to look back at Tandan.
His gaze was on me, eyes dark with sadness. He had said nothing to deny the facts. I was right; he would never be able to turn her away. The chosen love he had for her outsourced the power of the mate bond. I didn't think that was possible. My soul almost imploded from the pressure of heartbreak.
Blinking back tears, I grabbed my clothes from the floor and pulled them on. I wiped my damp cheeks and started for the bedroom door, where I looked back at him again. He hadn't moved from his place on the bed, fully unclothed and vulnerable. My heart jumped into my throat, remembering what it felt like to be dominated by that powerful body. I shook my head.
No more.
"I, Rylee Sanders—"
"No!" Tandan yelled.
Squeezing my eyes closed, I dug for the will to continue. I had to. I couldn't deal with this anymore. Tandan was jumping out of the bed, but it was too late.
"I, Rylee Sanders, reject you, Tandan Coulter."