Translator: EndlessFantasy Translation Editor: EndlessFantasy Translation
“Hu… hu… hu… hu…”
The wind outside the window kept blowing at the curtain. It was as if black shadows were lingering outside. Who was standing outside the window under the night sky?
Perhaps most people had this kind of speculation when they were young and had similar doubts. Zhu Shengnan was lying on the bed with her eyes open. She had her own room which came with a big bed, a wardrobe and a dressing table. She had a very good home.
With the number of women called Shengnan in the whole of China, the sum would be astonishingly great if one were to make a statistics chart. The parents themselves might not think much of it, but the name itself carried a kind of oppression. Even the owner of the name would subconsciously hate her name.
As if her birth and gender were a kind of punishment for her parents and family, it was kind of depressing to accept her fate. They wanted a son but gave birth to a daughter. Under all kinds of depression, she gave herself the name “Shengnan.” It was a kind of self-deception cultivated by her parents.
Because of the construction of ethics, humans were able to distinguish themselves from beasts. They were able to slowly separate from the sequence of all things. However, there were two sides to everything. The distortion of ethics and morality would often become a side effect and begin to harm humanity itself.
It was five o’clock in the morning. Zhu Shengnan woke up early, but she didn’t know what to do. She was six years old this year and was old enough to attend kindergarten, but her family didn’t let her. Instead, they hired private tutors to teach her at home.
She didn’t resist nor did she know how to resist. She couldn’t sleep, and the sun hadn’t risen. She didn’t make any noise. She had a home, but this home was a little dark. She didn’t know what she could do at a time like this, watch TV? Read comics? Go to her parent’s room and get into their bed to act like a spoiled child? She just leaned against the headboard and sat for hours on end. She sat until the sun had risen.
Downstairs, she heard footsteps. It was probably her grandmother who had gotten up and was preparing breakfast for the family. She also got up and got ready. After she had tidied herself up properly, she slowly walked downstairs.
“Katsuo, come… let’s eat.”
“Okay, grandmother.”
Katsuo did not sit at the dining table. Instead, she stood at the door of the small room at the corner of the living room. Grandma came up with a tray. On the tray, there were bowls of porridge and chopsticks.
The so-called food prepared… was not to call her granddaughter to have breakfast together, it did not matter if a person ate or not neither did it matter if a person was hungry or not. Bodhisattva absolutely could not owe anything.
Grandma carefully placed the tribute food. Then, she knelt on the futon in front of her and kowtowed piously. In Zhu Shengnan’s memory, grandma did not believe in Buddhism. She did not know when she began to believe in it.
After kneeling, grandma stood up and reached out to grab Zhu Shengnan’s wrist. She then took out a needle and stabbed it into Zhu Shengnan’s arm, drawing half a syringe of blood. Then, grandma injected her granddaughter’s blood into the wick.
Zhu Shengnan did not know where her grandmother learned this method, but she liked it very much. Because compared to drawing blood, other methods made her feel more uncomfortable.
The grandmother knelt again, but this time she knelt to worship the painting under the altar table. There were two ghosts in the painting, and in front of them was a boy. The grandmother prayed with great devotion.
Zhu Shengnan looked at the painting, which she had seen countless times. Many days and nights, the grandmother would take a whip and beat herself. There were times where the father held a cigarette, right in front of this painting. It meant to let the two ghosts in the painting see.
As long as I do this, dad will have a son. That’s right, dad wants a son and grandma also wants a grandson. They want the kind of boy in the picture, whereby the form below is different from mine. Zhu Shengnan knew that she had a completely superfluous role in this family. From the moment she was born, she had been superfluous until now.
She forgot whether she had cried or not, she also forgot whether she had caused trouble. If this was a besieged city… then it didn’t have any doors that let you in or out. People outside the city couldn’t see inside whilst people in the city couldn’t go outside either. People couldn’t decide which family they were born into. Once they were born, they had no choice.
When the Bodhisattva had finished eating, it was time for people to eat. Zhu Shengnan sat at the dining table, and grandma served her porridge. There were also small buns and pickles, eggs, and milk on the table.
Except in that small room, grandma was very good to herself. She cared about her food and clothes. She was very protective and considerate of herself as if she was taking care of her precious baby. Zhu Shengnan remembered that her grandmother used to be a pig farmer. That was how she supported her father to attend university and get a good job.
Her father came down and sat at the table. He smiled at Zhu Shengnan and asked, “Have you eaten Bodhisattva?”
“I have,” her grandmother replied.
“Yes.”
Her father casually ate a little and got up to go to work. Before he left, he sternly said, “I won’t be coming back tonight.”
“Okay, don’t come back.”
Zhu Shengnan knew that her father was going to stay with another woman tonight. Her grandmother also knew about this. He wanted a son whilst she wanted a grandson, their goals were the same. His mother gave birth to him in her first delivery. After which she had three consecutive sonograms, all of them were female babies. All of them were miscarriages.
A long time ago, the country had stipulated that doctors were not allowed to reveal the gender of the babies during sonograms. However the rules were always good in good intentions, but it was not machines that carried out the rules. It was the people.
Even if the rules were so, there were countless cases of people intending to have an abortion because they knew that their wife was carrying a daughter. This may be, but it was also due to luck.
If those baby girls were born in the kind of family that would have an abortion if they knew it was a baby girl, it would be better to leave early and wait for the next reincarnation. It would be better to end it right from the beginning as it wouldn’t be as bad compared to the treatment and injustice they would suffer after they were born. Zhu Shengnan knew that her father had affairs with many women outside, some of whom were pregnant. They still ended up bearing girls and had all been aborted.
Her father was a dentist, he let his woman have an abortion just as easily as he pulled out the teeth of his patients. It would have been meaningless no matter how many daughters he had if he still ended up without a son. This was an obsession, an obsession that seemed inconceivable to outsiders.
After her father left, her mother came down. Her mother’s hair was a little messy and she was not in good spirits. Zhu Shengnan was a little afraid of her mother, especially when she was sitting at the same table with her mother.
“Pa!”
“So Hot!”
Her mother’s mouth was burned by the porridge. She knocked over the porridge bowl, and the hot porridge spilled all over Zhu Shengnan’s body. Zhu Shengnan trembled slightly. She did not cry out in pain or even pay attention to it.
Her mother did it on purpose as she knew that her mother hated her. She felt that the culprit which caused her family to be in this predicament was Zhu Shengnan. If she were a boy, her mother would still have a happy family.
“This dirty child makes me so angry!” her mother said as she picked up her cigarettes to smoke and blew the smoke at Zhu Shengnan.
Zhu Shengnan just sat there, not moving whilst letting her smoke. Go ahead. Although the cigarettes hurt, it was nothing compared to taking a pair of scissors or a knife to slash herself.
Grandma sat there quietly chewing the steamed bun in her mouth. At this moment, grandma… was like Jia Mu in a dream of Red Mansions. She stood high above and watched the fighting below. Breakfast was over and her mother went upstairs again. She had three consecutive miscarriages, making it impossible for her to conceive again. It also dealt a huge blow to her spirit. She locked herself up at home all day long.
And she knew that her husband was still doing it for a boy with other women. When people watch TV shows, they often feel that it’s absurd that this kind of thing can not happen in reality. What happens in reality, is often more like a TV show than a TV show. Many of the lower limits of human beings were even scarier than the craziness of artists.
The private tutor came during the day as it was time for class. After the private tutor left at night, grandma called out to her:
“It’s time for dinner.”
Zhu Shengnan came down and stood obediently at the door of the small room. Grandma opened the door and walked in with her. A blade appeared in Grandma’s hand as she took off her clothes. She inflicted another wound on her body, and blood began to flow out. The grandmother knelt on the ground and began to cry as she hugged Zhu Shengnan.
“My poor granddaughter… God! Have you opened your eyes? My darling baby.”
Grandmother often cried. She felt that by crying, she could touch Bodhisattva and the two people in the painting. It was like mourning during a funeral in a rural area. The relatives who were laughing and chatting happily before entering would immediately cry out in a world shakingly manner. Grandma had also inherited this skill.
She said that Bodhisattva had a lot of things to do. If you didn’t shout louder, he wouldn’t be able to hear clearly. Which could lead to him ignoring you. Zhu Shengnan looked at Grandma who was hugging her whilst kneeling on the ground. Suddenly, as she looked forward… She saw that the two people in the painting seemed to move. Yes, they moved! One of them seemed to be still smiling at her. She immediately shouted:
“Grandma, the people in the painting are moving.”
She was happy and even excited. Perhaps… when her father’s and grandmother’s matters were accomplished… she would be able to escape from this numb life, right? The most difficult thing to extinguish and stifle were often illusions.
“Pa!” Grandma slapped Zhu Shengnan’s face as she berated her:
“Damn Kid, who are you lying to? What nonsense are you spouting!”