Chapter 77: The struggle
When Austin and William left the room for some seconds, they knew what they were doing. It was a plan set out from the beginning. Merri and Panashe felt awkward, noticing the forced relation. Granted it was as if they were both expected to understand each other. After what William had told Panashe, she did not know how she could ever console the girl. Being older than Merri and more experienced... perhaps there was a thing or two that she could teach Merrigold. Panashe had it bad with William but never as torturous as William had described what Austin put Merrigold through. Merri looked around, more afraid and anxious for what was waiting for her at home, her home, the Cunningham plantation. Her anxiety wanted her to leave immediately. When Austin said it would only be a little while, she never assumed this long. Mr Cunningham senior would be waiting for her with a Bible and whip in one hand presumably. Merrigold looked down at the biscuits and tea on the table. She could not fathom the thought of eating knowing she had left with Austin when his father had made it clear that they were not to be together for any reason... it may be. Merrigold was not in the mood to talk, she hoped Panashe wouldn't either. Merrigold thought Panashe was stunning. Never ever in her life had she ever seen someone who looked like herself dress so elegantly... like a lady and not in rags. It was astounding. It was also assuring... she did not want to entertain the thought but looking at Panashe made her envy. Envy her life, the whispers she shared with William when they were sat together, the way William caressed her hand while Austin was blabbering a whole lot of nothing, the glances William and Panashe shared when no one was looking, the glimmer that crossed their faces when their son entered their room. Merrigold dismissed her thoughts, she could never have that... Mr Cunningham senior must have been fuming waiting for her return. Merrigold kept reminding herself that, she could never have what Panashe has... freedom? Unlikely, if Austin was right about the abolishment of slavery. Her first thought was going far away from Austin. Her heart whimpered at the thought but she knew it would be for the best. Austin brought out the worst in her, so did she in him. She would not accept what she felt for him, she would not allow herself to be disappointed. Merri would pretend to hate Austin until it came to be. She would speak it into existence. It was hard when all he was lately was a sweetheart. She needed to remind herself of all his gruesome deeds. Without shame, Merrigold admitted that she would allow him to please her body. There was nothing more bewitching than Austin's intense pleasure. Admitting it, she felt ashamed.
"Twins?" Panashe decided to speak. Merrigold only stared at her, not muttering a word. Her eyes glazed with rebellion and confusion.
"Why are you with him?" Merri asked so suddenly.
"Excuse me?" Panashe asked assuming she heard wrong. Merri shook her head.
"Why are you with him the white man...? You're free yet you decided to be his pet? To reside with him and be a house pet? That's all they see us as, pets and a useful plaything for their pleasure. If I had your freedom, I'd be off far away... clearly you enjoy your time with them... hillbillies!"
Panashe was caught off guard by the question nonetheless she decided to be civil. "Why are you with Austin?" Panashe replied. Merrigold let out a sardonic laugh. "Do I have a choice?"
"You do."
"Really?" Merrigold asked sarcastically folding her arms over her bump.
"I understand, he did so many atrocious things to you but you do have a choice. A choice to stop entertaining him, you claim to hate him and the children you're carrying but I see the way you look at him. The way you watch him talk, I've been there. I'm not shaming you."
Merrigold looked away.
"You do have a choice to stop entertaining him. He keeps coming back because he knows that there is more between you both. It's not always forceful, well at least from what William tells me. You either hate him with a passion or you do not. You can not hate him and enjoy being intimate with him."
There was silence.
"I'm not aware of what Austin has said about me but no one absolutely no one knows what goes on between us except us. I'd respect if you stopped giving me advise on things you've never been through. You live so lavish, you have your freedom, his father liked you, your son is the heir of this estate, you have everyone's respect. You do not and will never understand what I have been—"
Breaking out of her quiet shell, Panashe put her cup down and smiled at Merri. "Fine, let's compare struggles? If that will make you feel any better. I was given the chance to work in the house, I was ecstatic thinking well here is my big break. What my mother had prayed for, me to be off the plantation. Better off in the house being raped by a married man, I told my mother and she told me to suck it up. I do not know what I thought would happen but being asked to open my legs every night while his wife was sleeping was definitely not what I expected. I did, I sucked it up for the sake of peace and that I supposedly had it all well being a housekeeper than working in the field. Not wanting to seem ungrateful and to please my overbearing mother, I did it. I allowed it. I would get beaten for minor things and still be expected to open my thighs every given night. I had to hide it from his wife for my own safety while we all resided under one roof. I had to marry someone and deceive them to hide my pregnancy. I had to take care of that pregnancy until it was born all by myself because he left. He left after promising the the world, the moon stars and every lucid dream possible, moved away with his wife and accused me of being an adulteress who could not even name the paternal father of her child. I had to start working at the plantation, something I was not used to. I gave birth with no support, my son did not have any clothing to his name except the little, a friend had stolen for me. I had to keep my infant in a blanket without any clothing because I did not have anything. This was all before the Gallagher's started to offer me help. I had to hide my son from people because I was ashamed. I should have never been ashamed of my son but what was I supposed to do when he was plain proof of what I was doing in that house where I was supposedly working. A year passes by, I've adapted to my new living conditions. The Gallagher's are helping me with my son. I'm not quite sure if it's genuine or not. Every time they ask to see my son, I question if they have brought the magistrates order to take full responsibility for my child and I'm not allowed to ever see him again. For her own reasons my mother had multiple men assault and molest me... and till this day, I still do not understand why. I got pregnant again with no knowledge of father, I got the opportunity to remove the pregnancy. I'm not proud of it but I did. I—"
Merri shook her head, "No, more please!" Feeling guilty, Merrigold muttered. "I would have killed myself...!"
"Then what? What about my son? My world is suppose to end because of a few harsh realities I've had to face?"
Merrigold felt selfish, for all the times she had tried to end her life with no consideration for her loved ones. It made her think of all the times, she made compulsive decisions yet she was still here.
"But..."
"Yes, it's horrible. It was unlivable but the minute my son was born... oh Merri..." Panashe grinned. "I knew almost immediately that there is more to my pain, there is more to everything I've had to go through. I can not and do not regret having my son. He is the sore reason I got my freedom, the only reason Master Joshua became lenient and generous towards me. I had to go through all that and I did but without my son, I would not have earned all that I have. Especially my freedom. I believe everything happens for a reason." Panashe sighed. "If I had not had my son, I'd still be working tirelessly with my mother and in a loveless marriage where I'm expected to please him after a days work at the field. I'm expected to bare him as many children as I can, to prove my worthiness and womanhood by being fertile."
Merrigold shook her head, looking down. When she heard of a loveless marriage, she thought of Thomas.
"I'm not asking you to love Austin but... love your children. They need you."
Merrigold shook her head still indenial, her stubbornness not allowing it.
"BUT THEN I WAS APPALLED AND INFORMED HIM ALMOST IMMEDIATELY—" As if on time Austin and William entered the room with a ruckus. William's mother then joined them. Merrigold was upset, in a horrid mood as they asked her questions such as the babies names... she was not thrilled. She wanted to leave. Knowing Panashe was right, she wanted to be alone.