Rick Rolland died doing what he loved best when he was stressed with his own unfair life.
No... of course it’s not rescuing kids from a burning building, and it’s not keeping someone safe from a speeding truck like that one generic isekai thing. His death is not even close to being heroic.
At three in the morning, he died in his gaming chair, holding an energy drink and watching his 247th video about mature women that can be called MILFs without clothes on. And yes, what happens when someone watches that video too much while shaking your own sausage?
Yes, the heart just stopped. Later, the doctor told his parents that it was a mix of not getting enough sleep, too much caffeine, and what they politely called "too much stimulation."
The parents just laughed about it, knowing that this day would come where their son, who they called a disappointment, would finally die. They don’t feel embarrassed at all, in fact, they are relieved that they don’t have to buy tissue for their son.
...
After one splash of the holy liquid that looked identical to milk, he died immediately and thought, "Just one more video," before everything went black.
Sad? Of course.
Felt bad? A little bit.
But at least he was happy when he finally died watching and doing his most favorite thing. That’s what he thought.
But, as it turned out, dying was only the start of his problems for what’s coming. Even though he was what they called a GOONER, the gods wanted to give him a second chance at life so that he could fulfill his destiny and dreams... One of the dreams was to get sandwiched by milfs, though...
Rick’s first thought upon waking was the smell. It was a mixture of wet stone, moss, and something else that eluded him, a scent he couldn’t quite identify.
The air felt old and heavy, as if it had been undisturbed for centuries. When he opened his eyes, he saw a ceiling adorned with cracked marble and faded gold patterns. Vines cascaded from the fissures, while beams of soft sunlight filtered through the roof above.
He slowly sat up, his head hurting. The floor under him was cold stone that was covered in dust and trash. There were broken pillars all around him, and strange runes glowed faintly on the walls. It all looked like it came right out of a fantasy role-playing game.
"What the... fuck is this place...?" Rick whispered, and his voice echoed in the ruins.
He looked at himself just to notice his body felt different. It’s less heavy or maybe younger? He remembered that his hands were smoother and his arms weren’t as thin.
He patted his face, stomach, and chest. Everything was real, and thank god not a dream at all.
"Let me just..." He touched his own peepee just to realize that it’s still there, but bigger.
"Holy shit... wait... thank god, I’m still a man."
"Wait, no! That’s not important...!" He slowly came to a cold realization.
"I died...!? I fucking died just because I did it over 9000 times!?"
"No fucking way, I just broke the universal record for dying because of mastur—Wait! No!" Rick was about to say something, but he quickly stopped himself because the situation was overwhelming his thoughts.
Rick whispered, "Oh no..."
"Oh no, no, no! Isn’t this one of those isekai things that happens when you die in a stupid way!?"
A bright flash of light appeared in front of him before he could panic even more. Rick screamed and fell back, trying to get up on the cold stone floor.
The light turned into a small, glowing ball that floated at eye level. Then, with a soft pop, the orb changed. What came out was probably the dumbest thing Rick had ever seen.
There was a small figure in the air that was no bigger than his hand. It was dressed in a perfectly fitted butler’s uniform, complete with a small vest, bow tie, and white gloves.
A monocle was over one eye, and a well-groomed mustache twitched above a mouth that was always frowning. The little butler crossed his arms and gave Rick a look of deep, personal disappointment.
"Oh god... why do I have to do this..." the butler said, his voice surprisingly deep and full of contempt. "Welcome to Zorathia, you total wasteful piece of shit that was given a chance to be reborn."
Rick blinked. "What?"
"Let me introduce myself," the little butler said as he adjusted his monocle with one gloved finger. "Hello, my name is Sebastian, and I am your system administrator."
"And you, dear user, are the most disappointing hero candidate I’ve seen in sixty-seven thousand years of service."
"Hold on, hold on. Give it a pause for a sec!" Rick put his hands up. "What do you mean by system? Like a system for games?"
"Yes. If you call it a game, though, it means you have a chance of winning." Sebastian sniffed. "You have been given the Mature Affinity System."
"A cheat ability, if you wanted to call it that, though I use that word loosely."
Rick’s heart stopped. This system, which can be considered a cheat in this new world, will provide him with an easier and more effective way to achieve anything he desires.
Every main character in an isekai story has one of these. This might not be so bad after all, and he might get super strength, magic, or the power to tame dragons.
"What should I do now!?" Rick asked, his voice full of hope. "Do I get magic that is too strong? Can I call weapons? Do I have unlimited space in my inventory?"
Sebastian looked at him for a long, uncomfortable time. "You get experience points by making women 30 and older like you more."
And then the whole atmosphere went quiet, and it made Rick’s brain stop working hearing that. Until it took Rick’s brain a few seconds to figure out what he had just heard.
"I’m sorry," he said slowly. "Could you say that again? But this time really loud?"
"You heard me just fine because this system is connected to what you loved the most in your past life as a fucking gooner who always fantasized about older women." Sebastian’s mustache moved, which might have meant he was laughing. "Your level, stats, and abilities are all connected to how you get along with older women."
"The more they love you, the stronger you become. If there’s no love, then there’s no power. Your own gooner knowledge about what I say is really easy to acquire."
Rick looked at the little butler. Thereafter, he began to laugh. There was a desperate, slightly crazy laugh that echoed through the ruins.
Rick said, "You’re kidding," between breaths. "Is this a joke? Some kind of joke about a tutorial?"
"Or maybe you’re just mocking me, and please stop calling me that!"
"I promise you, I’m very serious."
"But that’s crazy! Other isekai heroes get swords! They get these OP spells where one of them can instantly kill anything!"
"And what’s cool is that they get to save kingdoms and fight demon lords!" Rick waved his arms around wildly, as if trying to grab something that wasn’t there. "And what do I get? A mechanic for a dating sim?"
"Well... not gonna lie, I would have really loved that, but we all know that OP powers are enough to get those ladies." Rick shows his smug smile.
"A dating sim would mean you have to perfect your charm or social skills." Sebastian looked at his little gloves with no interest. "And in fact, you don’t have that either."
"This will be fun to watch."