The next morning, I line up like in the movies for my pill. I swallow it and show inside my mouth proving I’m not pocketing it. I don’t feel any change after taking it, but I guess it needs time to work. I waited in bed to be called down to Dr. Carson’s office. As before, the nurse brought me to his office and he invited me to take a seat.
“Shall we carry on from Yesterday?” Dr. Carson inquires.
“Sure,” I feel weirdly comfortable talking to him. “What do you want me to talk about?”
“Michael Anderson.”
“He was my first boyfriend, fiancé, and later, my boss at the Nigerian Skating Association. We worked closely together planning the show. He turned out to be smart, wealthy, and very powerful. I had the misfortune of being attracted to him after Scott and I split. He was the only other guy I’ve ever been with sexually.”
“How did he treat you before the attack?”
“He was kind, supportive, and encouraging. I was flattered by the length of time he carried a torch for me, it was mutual. My attraction for him was magnetic. I felt this irresistible pull to him.”
“Can you tell me what happened? The events leading up to the attack?”
“I was afraid you were going to ask that.”
“Take your time. Whenever you are ready.”
“I respected him, and I was attracted to his charm and charisma. He became my future. I had this insatiable need to please him. I worried that I wasn’t good enough for him anymore. Michael was forced by Global to hire Scott. He was hesitant about having Scott and me working with each other, but he wasn’t given any choice. I convinced him that nothing was going on between me and Scott, because at the time, there wasn’t.”
“So what changed?” Dr. Carson asked.
“I was angry at Michael for throwing his weight around and embarrassing me in front of colleagues by taking my professional autonomy away. Scott was empathetic and one thing led to another. I was also lonely, missing Michael while I was working in Owerri. While I was engaged to Michael, I slipped up and fell back into Scott’s open arms in Owerri. I knew I shouldn’t but I will always have a thing for Scott a special soft spot after all those years of skating together. All the rooms had cameras in them, but the lights were off, and we didn’t know that Michael placed special ones in my and Scott’s rooms. He came to Owerri early in the morning and saw that I slept naked, which wasn’t typical for me. He accused me of sleeping with Scott and then threatened to watch the videotapes in my room. I was cornered and it made me defensive and angry. Not only did I tell him that I wasn’t loyal to him but I rubbed it in his face. I said not even wild horses could have kept me from Scott. Michael was infuriated, and looking back, I drove him to batter and raping me.”
Dr. Carson shakes his head, “Nobody ever drives anyone to do that. What happened next?”
He forced me to have sex with him. Please don’t make me relive it. He treated me like dirt. Honestly, I felt like I had it coming. I wouldn’t have pressed charges, but in Nigeria, you don’t have a choice. Scott made it public knowledge on television, submitting a copy of videotaped evidence to the authorities. He’s being charged with sexual assault causing bodily harm. They have enough evidence. You know what bothered me?” I confide.
“No, please tell me.”
“Scott watched the tape before submitting it in for evidence. I felt like I was violated twice. I’m angry at him”
“Did you tell him how you felt?”
“I told him how it upset me but has no idea of the magnitude.”
“Did you get any professional help after you were assaulted?”
“No, not the amount I needed. I begged to be discharged after a day.”
“What happened to you the day you were brought in here? Do you remember?”
“Vaguely, we were at a salon doing the makeovers on the athletes. It was the end of the day. Scott and I stayed behind to get my hair done. We were feeling good with each other and went for a walk. We talked. Scott held my arm and I could swear it was Michael. My heart raced. I remember sweating profusely and running as fast as my legs took me. I was captured.”
“I don’t know, I thought it was Michael, but he was in Lagos at the time.”
“I think we’ve done enough for today. I’m impressed you were able to discuss all of that with me. I’m not able to hold you here more than seventy-two hours against your wishes. I don’t feel you are a danger to yourself or others, however, with that being said, you need further counseling if you want to resume a somewhat normal life with healthy relationships.
“I want you to stay on Paxil until your stable. I also want to see you a minimum of once a week in my office, until I feel our sessions are no longer necessary and you are handling difficult situations well on your own. You are here for one more day with nursing staff watching over you. Are you having any side effects from the Paxil?”
“No, but it doesn’t feel like it’s working.”
“Here is a prescription for you to get filled. You need to take one a day, every day. It takes a few weeks to take effect, and it can’t be stopped quickly. You have to be weaned off it when you are doing better. You can have someone come and get you after tomorrow night's dinner. I’ll see you again in my office before you go. The nurse will come and get you again.”
"Thank you, Dr. Carson." I go back to my room for the rest of the day except for when meals are being served. I’m thankful to be leaving the following evening. On the third day, I meet for the final time with Dr. Carson. He looks at me while rubbing his chin, “What do you want out of your future?”
I take a minute to think. “Do you want to know my long-term goals or what I want over the next year or so?”
“Let’s start with over the next year or so.”
“I would like sleep without nightmares, look in the mirror without feeling disgusted and self-hate, and most of all I would like to take back every little bit of hurt I ever caused Scott.”
“Is that realistic?” he inquires.
“No, but that is how I feel.”
Dr. Carson’s eyes are searching mine, “The nightmares should cease,” he reassures. “It is a stage many people suffer from after being sexually assaulted as in your case.”
“When will I stop losing sleep over what happened?”
“I don’t know. Give yourself time and learn to stop blaming yourself, that’s when the self-loathing will dissipate. You can be responsible for your actions but not those of others.”
“I still think that I brought it on.”
“When it comes to Scott, you can’t take away the hurt you previously caused, but you can control how you handle your interactions with him in the future. Focus on what you can change, not what you can’t, an example is past events, you can’t change them but you can relearn how to love yourself.”
“Okay, let’s move on to the second part of the question, the distant future.”
“I’ve always seen myself as happily married with children.”
“To whom?”
“Not to Michael anymore that’s obvious.”
“Do you feel you can raise a child on your own?”
“I guess if I had to, why do you ask?”
Dr. Carson, picks up his file and starts sifting through the papers, “Aren’t “Aren’t I?”
He pushes his glasses up higher on his nose reviewing my chart, “You don’t know?”
“Know what, you’re talking in riddles!”
“Oh my,” he says more to himself than to me, “On your last admission, they did blood work and must have failed to tell you.”
Suddenly, unease sets in, I know what he’s going to say, but it was too hard to believe, “Your test came back positive Isabella. You are pregnant.”
The room starts spinning, I must have turned pale. Dr. Carson says, “Put your head between your legs quickly, you look like you’re going to pass out.”
I do what he asks and after a few minutes, I start feeling better. He looks at me concerned, “Give yourself time to think and process the news. I’m taking you off Paxil. We’ll discuss this further and I’ll assist you with any future decisions as much as I can.”
“Thanks, Dr. Carson.”
“No problem, I’m sorry you had to learn about your results that way. I want to see you regularly as an outpatient.”
“Definitely.”
“Take care of yourself, Ms. Brandon.”
“Thanks, Dr. Carson.”