(Renata Pellegrini)
“Are you sure you don't want to stay for lunch?” I ask as I walk Caio to the door.
“I have to go visit my girlfriend.” He says sadly.
My heart aches for him, Caio has always been a good friend and when he was finally happy with a great girl...unfortunately, a little over two weeks ago we found out she is with ovarian cancer, it is still in the early stages so still has a great chance of a cure. I pray a lot for them.
“Tomorrow I will visit her.” I speak, since she was admitted to the hospital I haven't visited her yet.
Well, for a long three days I was in jail, but four days before she was hospitalized and I didn't have time to go, I was always working and going to appointments, and I kept putting it off and putting it off... until the kidnapping happened...
“Get well first, you are also going through a difficult time.” Caio kisses my forehead and simultaneously opens the door. “Take care, okay?”
“Yes, take care of yourself too, okay?”
“Okay.” Caio answers smiling, but when I look at the door I feel my heart skip a beat. “What are you doing here?” Caio asks Filippo.
“It's none of your business.” Filippo replies rudely without looking away from me.
“Look here you fucking asshole!”
Caio lunges at Filippo holding him by the collar, but before he can punch Filippo I grab his arm, he looks at me and we face each other, he understands my pleading look and lets go of Filippo.
“You can call me at any time.” He kisses my forehead once more and leaves the house, leaving only Filippo and me in the living room.
Amanda is in the bedroom on the second floor still sleeping.
“Are you having sex with him? Is your son his?” Filippo coldly asks, looking into my eyes, on impulse, before I even realize what I am doing, I just feel my palm burning from the impact of it on his face.
Tears burn in my eyes, my heart, which I thought is already totally broken, feels shattered once again.
“Who do you think you are to look at me like that? - I ask in a firm voice, even though tears are falling.” Don't you dare judge me, who do you think you are? Who I get involved with or don't get involved with is not your problem. Get out of here!
I try to close the door, but Filippo's hand prevents it. I try to force it, but he is stronger than I am.
“I want to talk to you.”
“Fuck you, get out of here or I'll call the police!” I threaten you, I know this shouldn't scare you, but...
“I'm not leaving until we talk.” He says and enters uninvited, walks over and sits down on the sofa.
I take a deep breath and wipe the tears from my face, even though my heart is hammering, I try to stay calm on the outside. I walk over to the armchair and sit down in it. Filippo and I stare at each other.
Those eyes, which at first gave me so much fear, but then made me feel protected, but now... Facing them is not easy, I don't feel afraid, but as I face them I remember everything we have lived through and now, looking from another perspective, Dominic was right, from the beginning, Filippo was manipulating me.
“I had no intention of offending her.”
“But it is offensive.” I retort, trying to sound as cool as possible.
“I'm sorry.” He asks, bowing his head.
“Why are you here?” I changed the subject.
“I... I…” Filippo lifts his head and looks intensely into my eyes, he bites his mouth several times as if searching for the words.
“You what?”
Filippo stares at me for a few more seconds, I can't hold his gaze, no matter how angry I am, the intensity of his gaze is much greater.
“I…” Filippo takes a deep breath, and I don't understand why, but I feel anxious, I settle down in the armchair, after a few seconds Filippo speaks again: “I want to assume that I... I... love you…”
I blink my eyes, did I really hear him say that? My heart beats hard inside my chest, but I try at all costs not to show it. Filippo continues talking:
“In the beginning it was just horny, the first time I saw you, you were on all fours in my living room, at the same instant my dick squeezed inside my pants, I thought I was there to seduce me, but when I was rejected, it made an instinct in me, so I did everything to conquer you, but in the end, who ended up having his heart stolen was me…” Filippo stops talking and gives a small smile sideways, as if remembering. “But as I had never felt this before, I found it strange. I started to feel like killing every man who ate you with his eyes. I felt like making you smile and seeing you smile made me strangely happy, your smile made my heart flutter and that bothered me. When someone hurt you a murderous rage would rise up in me and a tremendous hate for not having been able to protect you... Feeling all those things didn't make sense in my head, I didn't understand what it was that I felt, I thought it would be easier to pretend I didn't feel them. But the truth is that I love you, and the day I decided to walk away, it hurt more than I imagined, a pain unlike anything I've ever felt, I fought the overwhelming urge to take you with me, I fought the urge to tell you the whole truth about me, I fought the urge to want to be by your side for all my life, because you were the only woman who made me feel loved and want to love.”
I can't hold back the tears, for so long I wanted to hear this confession from him, which now, seems to be a lie. My traitor heart beats so hard it hurts, I want to scream that I love him too, that I want to stay by his side and forgive him for leaving me, but deep inside... I'm not sure if I can trust him. I wipe my tears with the back of my hands and continue listening to him.
“I have come to ask you to marry me.” Filippo says firmly and I swallow dryly. “I want to marry you, I will take over this child and care for him as my own, I will keep him safe and”
“You really are a scoundrel!” I shout in anger. “Asshole, imbecile, idiot, bastard, wretch, bastard! I hate you!" I shout as loud as I can and get up from the chair.
How stupid of me to believe his confession. He's probably here because of the wedding, but I'm not going to marry him. I won't be forced to!
“I know I hurt you.” Filippo begins to speak. “I know that right now you are feeling a lot of anger towards me, but I promise…”
“Shove your promise up your ass!” I shout interrupting him, I don't want to hear empty promises, made only to manipulate me.
Filippo looks at me stunned, I have never been one to swear, and even I myself am surprised at how dirty-mouthed I have become now, but fuck it.
“You don't know anything!” I keep my voice down, I don't care about the tears that fall from my eyes, I need to get it all out, I want to get it all out of me. “You don't know how I felt when it was clearly your mistake, but you made it seem like it was mine... You don't know how I felt when you said you would never have children with me, how I felt when you flirted with other women saying it was my fault, how I felt when you threw in my face how active your sex life was before me, you don't know how I felt when I woke up that morning with a cold bed! You don't know how I felt when I found out at the company that you had left and that I was dumped. You don't know how I felt when I found out that I was pregnant and abandoned by the only man I have ever loved and thrown away! You don't know how I felt when I thought that if you knew about the pregnancy you would force me to abort my baby!”
I feel my sights cloud, I try to wipe and wipe away the tears, but the more I take away, the more they come up.
“My son…” Filippo speaks softly and also stands up. “I would never commit the sin of murdering an innocent! I would never do that, I…”
“You don't know how I felt when I was kidnapped and threatened, when I was beaten and almost abused.” I interrupt him bitterly. “You don't know how I felt when I begged you for help and you turned your face away from me, you don't know how I felt when I was forced to be in my parents' murderer's house, you don't know how I felt when your brother said I was forced to marry you. You don't know what I felt when I was told that I was nothing but a bargaining chip in a man's world. You don't know how I felt when the whole truth was thrown in my face all at once. You don't know anything!”
I stop talking and stare at him, my tears don't stop falling for a single second, his eyes also sparkle, but unlike me, he doesn't let any tears fall. He stares at me in a daze, opening and closing his mouth several times.
I feel my heart a little more relieved, I feel better now that I have gotten all of this off my chest.
“You don't know how I felt the sleepless nights I spent crying while I felt alone in your house, because whenever I woke up in the middle of the night you were never there, you don't know how much I controlled myself not to freak out and look like a crazy woman who didn't trust her boyfriend. You don't know how hard I tried to understand your traumas, you know absolutely nothing.”
I say, letting go all at once. Filippo tries to approach me, but I pull away. I don't want to feel his touch.
“You are right.” Filippo says. “I don't know anything, I was so focused on myself that I couldn't see what you were feeling... Forgive me, please…”
“Do you think it is just coming here and saying: forgive me? Do you think it is that simple? That after these two magic words I will smile and life will be a bed of roses?”
“I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, what I did hurt you too much.”
“Go back to Italy.” I interrupted him. “Go back to your family and forget you ever knew me.”
“I can't do that.”
“Yes you can! You've done it before, you might as well do it again. Pretend I don't exist.”
“You're carrying my child, I can't…”
“My Son!” I speak possessively, interrupting him again. “This baby is only mine. Now get out of here!”
“Please listen to me, ragazza.” Filippo asks.
“Get out of here, leave me alone!” I start pushing him away. “Go away, I don't want to hear you, I don't want you near me, go away!”
“I will not give up on my famiglia, I will come back.” He says and opens the door and leaves the house.
I fell to the floor crying. God, how it hurts, even though I feel relieved to get it all out, what I really wanted was to feel Filippo's arms around me, his hands stroking my hair, and telling me that now we would be happy. But I won't allow myself to be manipulated by him anymore.