(Renata Pellegrini)
I can't keep staring at him. The memories of him shouting that he will never hurt his children and that he will defend them with his life if he had to, kept echoing in my mind. I couldn't help it, the scenes kept projecting into my mind. We are dating and living together, but I don't know anything about him. But from what he said on the phone, they are coming here, I couldn't bear to keep it to myself any longer.
"I know that we have only been together a short time," I start to speak, the tone of my voice doesn't hide how nervous I am, my mouth is dry, I moisten it with my tongue. "But I had a right to know about your children, especially since they are coming here and you didn't even tell me about them." I finish my speech and cross my arms, I am upset with him.
"Where did you get this idea?" He asks, turning me back to face him.
"You, while you had the fever, started yelling about them."
"What did I yell about?"
"Do I really need to repeat what you told me?" I roll my eyes and take a deep breath, giving myself a hard time. "You just said that you would never hurt them and that you would give your life for them, I am not saying that it is wrong to love your children, but I had a right to know that I was getting involved with a man who was already a father."
"During the delusions did I say anything else?" You ask, this triggers in me the memories of him dreaming of taking my virginity, I feel my whole face burn violently. "Did you?" He insists.
"N-no." I answer looking away, my face is too hot, I can't stop remembering him touching himself while calling out to me.
"I told you not to lie to me." He says rudely.
"Don't change the subject, I already answered your question, if you believe me or not, that's your problem."
"Don't you think you are answering too much, ragazza?" Filippo asks and squeezes my ass hard, and I can't hold back the startled scream. "I want to see all this boldness when I am penetrating deep inside you."
"Answer my question!" I try to sound demanding, but Filippo has a gift for making me embarrassed.
He says nothing, just stares at me for a long second, and for a few moments I get lost in his gaze, which seems to see me from the inside, whenever he stares at me like that, I feel naked and this makes me adjust the blouse he has lifted, as if this thin piece of cloth could protect me from that gaze.
"I didn't tell him to lower my shirt."
"It is cold." In fact, I'm not even feeling a little bit cold, but a lot warm. "I won't ask again," I speak and get up from his lap, but his hands grab my hips and force me to remain seated.
"I don't have children."
"Then why did you say those things?"
"I didn't have the best father in the world."
"I could tell, you seemed to hate him." - I comment, but leave it only in my thoughts.
"I must have had a nightmare about him and ended up saying those things."
"Do you want to have children?" I couldn't hold back the question, when he asked me to move in with him, I couldn't stop imagining the two of us as a family, I want to have three children.
"No," he answers so quickly that it takes me a few long seconds to process his answer, a pang of sadness piercing my heart.
"Why not?" I ask, trying not to show what I am feeling.
"I don't want to, that's all." He answers coldly, so cold that the warmth I was feeling disappears.
"That's right," I say. I force my body away from his contact and get off him.
"What are you going to do?" He asks, feeling his gaze on my back as I leave the kitchen.
"I'm going to take a shower, and since you're feeling better, I'll go back to work. I've already missed too much, please don't forget to tell Mrs. Luisa that she can come back now." I leave the kitchen without waiting for an answer.
I go into the bathroom, my eyes burning with tears, I lock the door, I don't want to run the risk of Filippo coming in here and seeing me crying.
I take off my clothes and get into the shower stall, I am used to having a hot shower since I came to live here, but I need to cool my mind down. I am too silly, too deluded. I was relieved when he said he didn't have any children, so he has no ties with another woman, but also knowing that he doesn't want to have children hurt me, it shouldn't have hurt, but it's hurting.
I finished my cold shower feeling calmer, stupid was I, a twenty-four year old woman who kept sighing and dreaming about a family without even knowing properly the man with whom she decided to live together.
I get ready, and as I finish putting on my loosies, Filippo comes out of the closet dressed in his tailored suit.
"Are you really going to go to the company?" I ask incredulously, he has just got out of bed and already wants to make an unnecessary effort.
"Yes, I will not stay at home while my girl is working."
"What if you get sick?"
"You will be there to help me." He winks at me, smiling, and I roll my eyes.
"It's rude to roll your eyes."
"Oh yeah? I didn't know that." I answer ironically.
"I'm going to love being polite, ragazza."
"Yeah, how do you intend to do that?"
"You'll find out soon enough. After work, I want to show you a place."
"What place?" I ask, curious.
"Careful, curiosity killed the cat." He winks and leaves the room.
I follow him, annoyed.