RUBY.
The past few weeks have been a rollercoaster for me, I've had a series of highs and lows. First, it was the elections and after that, it was a looming fear that our little family would be broken. Another fear was that the break-up would end with a custody battle of some sort, that would have killed me. Toby's niceness became a cause for alarm for me at some point. I was waiting for an impact that never came, at least not when I expected it to.
The day we moved to the mansion, I was feeling a complicated array of emotions. It felt like a waste of time to move when our relationship was running out of time, I thought that I'd just have to move out in a few weeks anyway but I was too afraid of losing what we had to even breathe a word of a divorce.
I had been unpacking a few things when a knock came through. I answered with the usual, "come in".
"Good morning, brunch is ready," she said.
"Good morning," I answered her greeting with no intention of going down for the food. My stomach was too twisted up with emotions for that.
"Your husband is waiting for you," she said. She must have sensed that I wasn't planning on going down.
"Okay, I will be down in a minute," I said. I brushed my hair back and applied some lip gloss while convincing myself that I didn't care about my appearance. I suppressed the urge to change out of the skinny jeans and shirt I was wearing. What I was wearing didn't matter because we were probably going to be having that talk about our divorce. He wouldn't have the time or interest to even notice what I was wearing. I was about to move out of the room when I noticed that the maid never left, she just stood in a corner of the room, as quiet as a mouse.
"You could have left, I would have found my way to wherever the food was served," I said to her. She didn't reply, she just led the way to where the food was served in one of the smaller dining rooms.
The set-up was cosier than what I imagined it would be. I judged that as a good thing then, the divorce would be a friendly one. He was distracted by his phone so I had a chance to stare before I walked into the room. I was determined to hide my broken heart from now on and throughout the divorce proceedings. When he noticed me, he rose and pulled a chair out for me.
I was shocked when he made a move to serve my food and insisted on following through with it even when I declined. He asked me what I wanted and I watched as he served. There had been something off about him, he looked so nervous. It felt like that was the first time I had seen him truly nervous. It made me equally as nervous, if not more. When he placed the food in front of me the last thing on my mind was eating.
"Can we just get this conversation over with?" I said after I got tired of tossing my food about? There was hardly any information exchanged between us and it was killing me so I decided to get it over with. What use was there in dragging the inevitable anyway?
"What conversation?" I couldn't tell if he was clueless or if he found some sick pleasure in dragging things out. How did I even think he was nervous when he was fine?
"I'm talking about our divorce," I said. My irritation at his earlier question was not hidden.
"Who said there had to be a divorce?"
"What are you saying? We both know that this is what comes next in the timeline of our relationship," I said. I was perplexed at his question. My surprise went up several notches when he came to kneel beside my chair. I turned toward him and he took my hands in his.
"I don't know when it happened but what I do know is that at some point between when I promised a divorce after the elections and now, I fell hopelessly in love with you," he said. I looked into his eyes to find any hint that he was joking. He looked dead serious.
"Is this a prank?"
"What kind of sick person would I be to joke like that, I love you and I want to be with you," he said.
"Is this because of Jeremy, because he's your son no matter what and you'll always have access to him," I said, I couldn't reconcile with what he was saying about our history.
"Why would you think that?" He asked, running a hand through his hair in frustration.
"Given our history, I just don't want to get hurt again."
"If that's the only opposition you have then I'd love to stay married to you. I promise to guard your heart from now on, I'll be…," I crushed my lips against his cutting him off. Our tongues battled for dominance till we were both out of breath. I rested my forehead against him as I thought about how gone I was and there was no return in sight.
"I love you," I whispered. I was scared of uttering those three words. My eyes were shut firm as I said them as if against the impact they could make
"I love you too," he whispered. Hearing those words caused warmth to pool between my legs. I kissed him with all the passion and fervour I could muster. He must have gotten the cue that what I needed could not be served right there because he picked me up without breaking the kiss and we headed for the bedroom. I have never thought I could fall harder than I already fell for Toby Daniel but I fell harder in the days that followed.
I was at my highest high and I never knew I could fall. I was so excited to see Aiden that I had thoughtlessly agreed to attend a party with him. I arrived early because I wanted to be home on time, but that backfired quickly. When I came, Aiden was nowhere in sight and the party hadn't started yet.
The last thing I remember was taking a drink at the bar and trying to call Aiden and the next thing I was waking up naked in a beat-down motel. There were no signs of abuse or that intercourse happened but I felt like I had been molested even when my doctor confirmed otherwise. Someone had taken my clothes off, wasn't that assault enough?
I thought I could shelf the whole experience away till I saw pictures of me naked, nothing but the white sheets that were almost see-through draped across my body and even worse was the man beside me in some of the pictures. I was in the nursery at the time, Jeremy sleeping in his cot.
I instantly felt like I had wronged him. If I had stayed home with him instead of going out that night none of this would have happened. What would Toby say? It felt like the end of us.
The kiss I had given him that morning would be probably be our last.