"Having friends, getting close to other people. I always thought that there was no need for me to have such bonds that would tie me to other people. But after I spent that short time with you, I realized how much I craved the warmth of another human being. Now that I had experienced it for myself, I did not want to return to those cold days again."
That was why when she met Nagawa Sano, it all worked out for the best.
She already knew from the very beginning that this person did not love her, but that was fine. It was okay this way because she did not love him either.
The reason she was so devastated was not because she was attached to her feelings for him. The thing she was attached to was having somebody by her side who trusted and believed in her. Even if she could never bring herself to love him, at the very least, she thought he would be a companion that would never leave her side.
To think that even that companion would end up betraying her.
Ah, why did she think this person would be any different? Is it because he showed her kindness? No, a part of her already felt there was something amiss when he first approached her. But she dismissed that feeling because of her loneliness. It was very pathetic now that she thought about it.
"I am sorry for leaving you."
"Shouldn't this be where you promise you won't do this again?"
"If I let go of my revenge, will you do the same?"
"It isn't revenge, and I just want to know the truth."
Yuhi sighed deeply. "Look, Sumire, I just want you to be happy. Even if you learn the truth, what will happen afterward? You will get justice for him, but then what about you? What do you have to sacrifice to reach that answer?"
Her eyes widened when she heard his words. Yuhi tried to stay calm, but she could sense a hint of desperation in his tone.
Indeed he is a kind person. She thought this when she first met him, but he can remain a good person despite all the bad things that have happened.
She knew that he offered a prayer for all those people he killed. Yuhi-san has never deliberately harmed somebody, and he only goes after those who are too far gone.
"Everything. But it's not like I have much anyway." She trailed off. "I know what you want from me, Yuhi-san, and I am flattered that you would throw away your revenge for my sake. But I have to know."
"Then at least-"
"You want me to rely on you again like I did back then?"
"..."
"If I did and you left again, then I would truly fall apart." She laughed sheepishly. It was already difficult the first time. She ended up resorting to drastic measures like using Nagawa Sano.
"I won't leave anymore. So, trust me."
What honey-coated words that anybody could say. This person always tries to give her everything when she doesn't deserve any of it. The truly rotten person is her, and yet the last few months, she has experienced happiness that she doesn't deserve. Happiness that this person gave her.
If only he could hate her, he could scorn and be disappointed in her like all the others. Then she would treat him the same as she did them.
No matter how much she cries and screams in agony, nobody will care; nobody will reach out to her. It is suffocating and difficult for her to breathe in this world, to live every single day. Just living is already a challenge, let alone experiencing normal things such as happiness.
But Terashima Yuhi has done what all those who turned their back on her in just a few months.
I can't get too attached, and yet maybe it is already too late.
I hate this side of myself who clings to something I shouldn't have.
Her thoughts broke off when he ran his hands through her hair.
"I feel like confessing to you."
Yuhi chuckled. "Well, we are already dating. What am I getting in return?"
"Mmm, me being romantic?"
"Ibuki Sumire, a romantic?" He raised his eyebrow. "Are you hiding something from me?"
"Maybe I am. Do you want to check Yuhi-san?"
He leaned forward and kissed her lips softly. "I checked earlier, and it was nice."
Oh, that's right. Before Sano came, the two of them, her cheeks burned, and he laughed.
"Feeling shy now, boss?"
"Well, mmm, I admit I am."
To think she let herself get caught in the flow like that. But for some reason, it felt right. The previous times too, she got the same feeling. Whenever they do it, it feels special to her. Sumire stopped herself from saying those thoughts out loud.
If Yuhi-san heard her say such things, then he might tease her, or it will end up as a serious conversation. Sumire wanted to avoid both scenarios.
She ends up drifting off. Now that she thought about it, Yuhi-san did something silly when they first dated.
…
Sunday XXX 2015
"Sumire, I need to talk to you." Yuhi entered the room hurriedly, and she put her book down.
"Yes, Yuhi?!"
Yuhi looked at her with clouded eyes. "Whenever I touch you, you hesitate…"
Her entire body froze when she heard those words. It felt like somebody paralyzed her body. Her heartbeat increased by the minute.
So this is why he maintained
"Sumire, I know that part of you is still attached. I know that you have chosen to live with me, but it isn't enough. It may not be easy for you, but… I think I should tell you everything I know. Even if it isn't the truth, you want."
"The truth?" Her brow furrowed now. What truth could he be referring to? What was untrue in her life right now, other than her own heart?
_
Yuhi touched her cheeks which broke her thoughts, almost like he knew. He didn't say anything but the look in his eyes was enough for her.
He's an idiot too.
Even if that was the case, even if that is how it was, it didn't make a difference to her. What upset her the most that day was the expression on his face. Since when could he make that face? How could she have missed such a deep sadness? It was painful for her, and she does not want to be the cause of his sadness.