"…I am sorry.
I know words are worthless compared to her.
Bu.."
Varian paused and glanced at the dried-up watermarks all over the letter.
Her tears.
Sia usually didn't cry. For her to cry this much, just how devastated was she?
"Because of me, Amanda died…I'm sorry.
I'm really the worst.
She loved me as much as she loved you…I never felt a difference.
Yet…in those moments, my mind, I-I don't know.
It was instinct perhaps…
But…it's all on me.
I saved you at the cost of her life. I chose your life over hers…I could've saved both…yet, it's all my fault.
Why did I…
She died because of me…"
Varian closed his eyes in pain. He was only halfway through the letter, but it was very painful to read.
So, in those critical moments, Sia chose to save him over her. She believed she could've saved both but at that moment, her instinct chose him.
"Arghh!" Varian bent his head and roared.
If only he wasn't present then, she could've saved Amanda.
Dammit!
If he was an awakener by then, perhaps, things could've played differently.
There was no if…and he had to bear the weight of his past.
Pulling strength from his depths, Varian resumed reading the letter. Her tear marks were more down the page and even blurred some lines.
But he could feel the agony of the lost lines as well.
"…I was in pain. Her death was deeply painful, but seeing you crushed hurt me the most.
I tried to talk to you…you wouldn't listen.
I told myself it was your heavy injuries…but even after you were fully healed, you didn't listen.
Couldn't listen to me.
Your eyes, which used to shine with resolve…lost their focus. Your back was hunched, you stared dully at the ceiling, refusing to get out of the bed.
I stayed with you for three days and three nights…I was looking at your eyes, hoping you would regain a bit of clarity.
Then, I asked you…if you would want to go to the dungeon…to grow stronger and fulfill your dream…as Amanda always wanted.
Saying those words, I felt shame and guilt.
Yet, at those words, you turned and faced me.
…Your eyes regained their clarity. They were no longer soulless.
But the moment you looked at me with those piercing eyes, my heart broke.
Piercing gaze, yet devoid of any hope.
You answered.
You didn't yell at me, you didn't cry, you didn't even speak louder than usual.
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'…every time I see you, I am reminded of her. I can't take it. Please…leave.'
Before I knew it, my cheeks were wet and my vision was blurred.
I was crying...why is this hurting me so much?
Please, leave—it was the harshest thing you ever said to me. And I don't think there is anything harsher than that.
I deserve it. I have no complaints. But…
The way you said those words, I knew you meant them.
I left for a few days hoping things could improve.
I passed the entrance test of Imperial Defense Academy.
I skipped a few days of school on leave and returned two weeks later, hoping you could've gotten better.
I saw you on the couch playing videos of Amanda…I was not in any of them. I didn't feel sad about that.
But when you saw me, your eyes shrank and your face paled….the world crashed on me.
I knew at that moment you would never try to awaken again.
You…gave up. You resigned.
And I was the perpetrator.
I was the one that crushed your dream. Your hopes. Your hard work.
I tried to talk, but the longer I stayed, the more pained you became.
I realized the wedge between us wasn't something words could solve. You built up walls around you, not letting me in.
If me being in front of you reminds you of Amanda…then I'll go far away. If my presence pains you, then I will never appear.
But…even if I am far away, I'll still protect you the best I can…long before I realized, you've become irreplaceable to me.
I pray that one day, you awaken and stand at the top like you always wished for…I will be content watching you from the crowd."
"Huu…" Varian leaned back in his chair.
He felt incredibly fatigued. His body was still full of energy, his brain could also think…yet, he felt totally weak.
It was like…a part of him was completely missing.
He was lucky…Sia didn't choose to destroy the black box but instead buried it under the house. She didn't want him to find it out…but maybe she hoped he did find out one day.
"I was an idiot." Varian slapped his face.
But he could understand his reaction. His father died early and even though Amanda didn't spend much time with them, she was the only parent.
Losing her was devastating. Even more so knowing that his life was picked over Amanda's.
It was as if…
"She died because I had to live…It's me who is responsible."
This was the thought that repeated itself in his brain a trillion times. Perhaps the reason Varian tried to stay away from Sia was his own guilt.
But he wasn't even in a state to explain that. It was a deeply painful experience.
It was undeniable that being reminded of Amanda's death at her sight was torturous.
Yet, Sia took everything to heart and left.
After his memories were changed, it didn't happen anymore.
At least, he was confident in looking at her in the eye. And even if the memories were triggered, he was mind path awakener now.
He could control himself and work out a solution.
"Master, are you going to respect her wishes and stay away from her?" Boo asked.
"After all, she never contacted you again after you awakened."
Varian took a deep breath and rolled his eyes. With a smile, he said. "I was an idiot. Not an idiot now. I'll apologize. Boo, go to Shadow Guardian's secret realm."
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