One day, I realized that my existence was insignificant compared to everyone around me. I was never someone communicative, I never had long-lasting friendships, and I was never present in others' lives. I never left a mark on their lives; on the contrary, I was a complete burden to everyone.
I've fallen and risen many times, I've overcome enormous difficulties that could have kept me bedridden for days, groaning and crying over my problems.
I'm not weak, I never have been and never will be.
That was a thought I frequently held to try to maintain my sanity in this place, but in truth... I was a compulsive liar, a complete liar, to them and to myself.
I was never truly loved, that's how I felt. I fought against my own thoughts while battling severe depression that consumed me for years, the abuse I endured left me completely shattered.
Not just physical but psychological abuse, things that made me dream every night, sleep restlessly, and fear for my safety within my own home.
The abuse started early, at eleven years old I was already psychologically affected by my family, mainly by my father.
He was an alcoholic, drinking until late and when he came home, he beat my mother, that was the beginning.
My mother had no choice but to accept it, with my other siblings and her, it was impossible for us to leave the house he owned, only she worked to support the household.
It was a life of suffering, but gradually I grew up and the treatment got worse, my father treated me like garbage, I was worth nothing just because I liked to stay in my room and play video games.
Not only did my father get worse, but school and high school contributed to the worst time of my life, gradually, I started attending therapy and was diagnosed with severe depression at twenty years old.
I wanted more chances, I wanted to have had a better life, I wanted to have the courage to stand up against difficulties, but in the end, I wasn't capable of doing anything but giving up.
I succumbed to exhaustion and began to ignore the world, nothing mattered anyway, I tried in every way and life still threw me down the same way, I wanted to be strong and move forward through life's adversities, but I couldn't anymore.
My thoughts rooted in being a failure consumed me, identity crises and lack of support threw me into something I no longer knew what it was, in fact, I was completely inert in the limbo of my existence, falling endlessly into a bottomless pit.
I, Jackson Carter, could no longer see a future where I was alive and well, happiness was unthinkable for me, yet I simply failed in all my suicide attempts, every time I was stopped, prevented, and disturbed.
Memories of small things always stopped me, like when my brother and I played video games together, like how my mother and I talked after coming home from work, various silly memories but that made me continue life even with all this heaviness in my heart and mind.
But that lasted a short time.
"You're worthless! Can't even watch the workshop gate?" A shout, from a narcissistic man unable to be sociable, even with his own blood.
I ignored it, I could continue like this if it were just a common shout... in a few seconds the sounds of breaking glass and other things passed through my hearing... He was having another of his fits that he constantly had during his outbursts of anger.
I couldn't take it and I got up from the computer table, enraged like him I went to the kitchen and grabbed a kitchen knife, and headed towards the misfortune that caused the worst life I could have.
I completely gave up my sanity and went towards him, who was with his back to me hitting a toolbox while continuing to humiliate me.
"I'm not weak." I said, enraged and giving up all my humanity, I no longer had the will to live, going to prison wouldn't be any different from staying inside my house, maybe prison would be more liberating than living with this family.
*Fsssh!*
The knife pierced his back towards his lung, my hands slipped and lightly cut themselves as I held the knife handle.
*Ugh!*
He screamed but on the second stab I had already cut his throat so he wouldn't say anything else, he started thrashing, but I held him, not stopping for even a second, after the first stab, more came, two, three, four, five, ten, twenty, fifty, seventy-two stabs.
That was the number of times my hand went up and down without even hesitating for a second, my whole body was covered in blood as I did such a horrific act, but who cared? I didn't.
That was a historical reparation, that was for all the suffering of my life and finally, I left the crime scene, yeah, who cared? I didn't.
I was covered in blood, completely broken inside and yet I went out onto the street, I lived near a crossroad, it was there that I decided to put an end to this life of eternal suffering.
"Let's see if it's true, God" I said as I walked down the street towards the intersection where many trucks and buses usually passed.
I stumbled slightly, luckily the street was empty, there was no one to stop me, finally, I could do this.
I reached the intersection, and looked both ways waiting for something to come, and fortunately the time was right: a truck was coming full throttle well above the speed limit of the road, which was forty miles per hour.
"So, let's test if the novels were right? I have nothing to lose anyway!" I said with a smile on my face, as the truck approached.
"Let's meet in the afterlife, you piece of shit, so I can kill you again!" I shouted with a smile on my face.
Ssssssss The driver tried to brake, but I was already very determined, I opened my arms and waited for the impact; fortunately, he couldn't stop. Of course, he didn't expect that, on an empty road, someone would throw themselves in front of him. Well, tough luck for him, who asked him to be reckless?
Let's go! Truck-kun, I know you can do it! Don't make me look like a lunatic praying to you! Prove to me that you're real!
Bam
The cycle of shit in my life ended, with my best friend, Truck-kun.