I finish the rest of my breakfast and place the plates back onto the trolley and wheel it out the door for pick-up. I answer a few more e-mails regarding my Care Bears work and open Lucas e-mail again.
______________________________________________
From: Luca Venturi
Subject: Conditions
Date: August 23, 2020, 15:42
To: Vanessa Maddison
My Dearest Vanessa,
I am afraid this request you have made is not mine to decide upon. This is a decision Giovanni and Rosalia must make together as father and daughter. I would prefer you to keep your distance and not disrupt Rosalia’s life as she is having a difficult time as it is coping under these circumstances here in Italy. Though, I know you will do everything in your power to find where she is so I will talk to Giovanni about the possibility of setting a meeting up.
I cannot bear the thought of anything happening to you if you do decide to travel to Milano. But do remember that if Giovanni and Rosalia agree to this, you and I will be seeing a lot more of each other and things may become complicated again. I will give you a friendly reminder Mio Caro, I was not ready to let you go the other night and if you walk back into my life. I won’t allow you to walk away so easily ever again.
I can only say sorry for keeping Rosalia from you as I am a man and I am only human. I was doing what was asked of me and I thought I was protecting you. but I now realise I have caused you more unnecessary pain. And for that I am sorry.
Ciao Bella,
Luca.
I read it another two times before I decide to reply. I want to meet Rosalia, I want to get to know the last shred of Celeste. I can’t help but wonder who she looks like if she has her mother’s smile and kind heart. Does she resemble Celeste in any way? My heart pounds loudly against my chest. The knowing and unknowing is killing me softly yet painfully slow.
______________________________________________
From: Vanessa Maddison
Subject: Boundaries
Date: August 24, 2020, 07:59
To: Luca Venturi
Luca,
I understand that this is not your decision to make and I respect that. Though you're the only person I can go through to attempt to make any contact with our, MY niece. Unless you're able to give me Giovani’s contact details then this is how it is going to be. As much as it berates me to do so, I have NO choice in the matter!
There is and WILL be NO US in the foreseeable future. You should've kept your distance or at least trusted me enough to share the facts. I am hurt, ashamed and so angry! I cannot and will not let my traitorous body be filled with desire. The last time that happened...
WELL, I MEAN SHIT!
There’s probably a mini Venturi in the making right now. So please excuse me while I silently go and drown myself in a tub full of self-pity.
Nessa.
A low whimper hiccups from my mouth. How could I be so damn careless?
Uh... maybe because you were nursing a broken heart and trying to build up the courage to confront your parents. I put my head in my hands and softly start to sob.
What am I going to do? I can barely take care of myself half the time and now there's possibly another tiny human being that will need to rely on me. Why me? Am I cursed? Am I as careless as Luca pointed out the other night?
No! I won’t let our last confrontation define who I am. I just need to think positive and remain calm, it could be nothing.
Oh-God what have I done?
I take a few deep breaths standing up. I go to the bathroom and eagerly wash my face.
I stand in front of the big mirror over the basin looking at myself and turn sideways popping my belly out as far as it will go. I start to picture myself carrying Lucas baby and rub my hand in slow circular motions over my belly.
“You have gone ahead and fucked this up reaaal good, haven’t you sweetheart?” I mutter to myself.
Yeah, Reaaal good.
I wish could turn back time and go back to the night I first met Luca so I can avoid him like a damn plague. Then rewrite a different story to the one I’m in right now. This one's a nightmare!
***
We walk around the mall stopping into a few kids clothing and toy stores as we pass them. I have to admit, this isn’t as fun as I thought it would a few hours ago.
The only thing circulating through my head right now is the mere possibility of me still conceiving Lucas child. He’s right we barely know each other and we are not ready to raise a child. It would be a blessing in disguise surely. But I don’t have the slightest idea how we would co-parent the child. Yet alone, if he would even want to be a part of the child’s life.
“Hey, Nessa are you okay?” Chrissy puts her hand on my elbow halting me.
“Uh... Yeah, just thinking that’s all.” I look at the ground.
“Thinking about what?” She bends down so I can see her and blocks my view of the dirty flooring.
“I kind of don’t wanna talk about it, Chrissy.”
I look up and take in our surroundings.
I can’t talk about it, I can't let her know that I’m possibly pregnant. I can't bear to see the dismay mask her pretty face because of me.
“Nessa.”
I look at her.
“Babe, seriously you’re starting to worry me. It was your idea to come here and shop but I think I've shopped more for Aroha than you have.” She holds up a few clothing store bags.
“I know and I’m sorry. Let’s carry on… okay?” I smile weakly at her.
“No! We’re not moving until you tell me what’s gotten into you. You've barely said a word since we left the hotel and if this is emotionally too much for you... I think maybe we should just stop and take a breather yeah?” She lightly rubs her hand up and down my arm.
“It has nothing to do with Aroha or Rosalia.”
It’s Luca, it’s always Luca.
My eyes start to water.
“Shit Nessa.” Chrissy looks around and takes me by the hand and leads me to the parent’s bay where we end up in a vacant feeding room. She closes the curtain for some privacy and turns to stare at me silently. I go to open my mouth to say something but I let out a light sob instead.
“Nessa, you’re seriously starting to worry me here.” Chrissy rushes to me and kneels on one leg before me.
“Luca and I.. we, ah... Before I came home looking like a washed-out rat. Luca and I had one last fuck.” I emphasize the word fuck because that’s what it was.
“We did it bare.”
I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand.
“You should be fine if you’re on birth control.” She looks at me oddly and I stare silently back at her.
“He didn’t wear a condom?” She says and I shake my head confirming the bare act.
“And... you’re not on any kind of birth control are you?”
Her voice slightly raises and I shake my head again not breaking eye contact with her. She stands up abruptly and covers her mouth with her hand, shocked.
“What am I meant to do Chrissy?” I ask hopelessly.
It takes Chrissy a few beats before she removes her hand.
“We do what we do best. We deal with it.” She says confidently.
“If your pregnant we raise the child right and if you’re not. You bet your sorry ass you will be celibate till you're forty-five” She nods her head agreeing with herself.
“Okay...” Is all I manage to say.
“We will get you a blood test as soon as we get back to Auckland. Keri can do it for you.”
"Who's Keri?" I ask her.
I don't know any doctors from the hospital.
"Keri is a family friend. We can trust her to be decreet."
“Shit!” I stare at her.
“What now?” she rubs the back of her hand over her forehead.
“I have a dinner date with Sanz when we get back. I can’t trust myself not to blurt it out.” Which is off-topic.
“Jesus Nessa, Really?... with Sanz? I thought he was the headmaster at the academy?” She sounds astonished.
"He is... But, he doesn't like Luca and this will give him an excuse to visit him." A sigh full of stress escapes me.
Sanz is still sour from Luca showing up and telling him to back the fuck off. He dislikes men who don't respect their women and Luca falls into that category for him.
"Samoans have different values and customs. In our house, the elderly and women are treated with the utmost respect. It's our honour to provide and care for them always. Luca is ignorant Nessa, you deserve better." He once said to me.
He's a new friend I'm starting to treasure.
“It’s just dinner between two friends Chrissy,” I say defensively.
"Okay, Darl." She pulls me up to my feet and hugs me.
"I've got you always and forever," She says as she rubs my back.
How would I've survived life without this one? When I lost my blood sister I gained another through friendship. When life gets hard I need to remember to not sit and cry asking "Why me" but instead say "Try me" If I'm pregnant, I know I won't be alone and I know Luca won't disown his blood.
He will fight me at every corner doing what he thinks is right whether I agree or not. He will rain hell on me if I dare disobey his orders and I need to stand tall and be ready.
"TRY ME LUCA VENTURI" I dare you to.