In a bid to assert my independence and avoid the overprotective zeal of my parents, I played down all my needs in the last moments. Soon, I had enough clothes to wear, accessories and perfect shoes to match all my outfits. Gosh! It seemed I was the Barbie doll that never had enough and always kept complaining. I had packed my bag to the brim. Every article of importance and need was cramped in the nooks for easy access. But like every other mother who finds imperfections in everything their child does, my mother found things pretty sooner than the others. She hauled my bags upside down, cribbing about my tardiness and how unfit I was to live alone and how I would not be able to survive without her for two days. I did not take any offence to anything she said. I was too excited to pay any heed. I let her do everything her way to make her happy or less cranky.
Dad was pretty normal in masking his true emotions and that wasn't a surprise. I was expecting him to offer to drop me all the way to Mumbai but thankfully he had grown up with respect to his sensibilities over the years. That was a relief! However, someone most hit with my moving away was my sis. She was grappling with things moving at a fast pace. My quick decision to shift to Mumbai, parents agreeing, packing bags and leaving home in the next...twelve to fourteen hours. It suddenly hit us that we could actually have a perfect sisterly conversation with each other even after throwing barbs and caustic remarks at each other.
She was really...like really helping me out, ready to part with her favourite shorts or a piece of jewellery. We seemed to have mend ways and called it a truce.
"Do you want my balloon shorts?" Atulya asked me out of the blue.
I was a little shocked, that was a way over the top gesture. She was funny, warming up to me.
"It's your favourite, plus I don't think so I can wear it at Jivy bua's place. It won't go down too well with her."
"Yeah." She nodded in agreement but she seemed disappointed with my reply. We had fought like crazy for these balloon pants. She never allowed me to even touch it and here she was ready to part with it.
I smiled, "You know I will take it, the pleasure of you not owning it is far more than not being able to wear at it."
She started laughing. She actually broke out into one of those throaty laughs that kept everyone mesmerized. Her dimples shone and so did her eyes.
"You won't change? Will you? Sarcastic, mean little thing."
I acted nonplussed by her remarks.
_____x_______x________x_________x_________x________x________x________x______x_____
The evening before I left, dad came in with the dreadful news of the non-confirmation of my ticket to Mumbai. This had never been a worry from day one and now it seemed to have thrown every inch of my plan on the hook. My waitlist situation had not moved an inch. The agent however was confident that I would get a confirmed berth before the journey began. His confidence sounded cockiness to me. But, dad spelt it out as the confidence he had in the system. According to him the Railways always took the woman card into account and I was anyways a single, young woman. The chances of securing a berth for me were higher than a male of the same age.
I remained bothered the rest of the evening. Concerned and anxious that my parents could halt my journey any minute at the pretext of a non-confirmed seat. And that would be one of the silliest reasons after crossing so many hurdles. Time dragged and every passing minute intensified my fear. The knots in my heart were visible on my face. I was on the verge of a breakdown but I braced myself for the worst and put up a show before everyone bravely.
The night was really dark, for the first time in many years, the moon shone but cast no light towards me. It seemed to be hidden in a faraway land, hoping for me to either fail or come out of this even stronger. Whatever the wish, I had no energy to fight any wind let alone a storm. Jigar was always at the back of my mind but I had made up my mind to brave the night alone and not blame anyone. At the crack of dawn, when I could no more bear the agony, I let my hands adrift and let things take a course that I had no will over. I found my mobile phone and immediately dialled the number that had been on speed dial for years.
The mobile rang at the other hand and my mouth was in my hand at the thought of a reason for calling him at this hour. After two rings I disconnected, hoping he would not call back. I had to maintain a distance. I could not get ourselves into more trouble.
I put a hold on my random thoughts and the best thing I did was to busy myself in getting dressed. The train was at 8:30 in the morning. I still had four hours. I barely took 15 minutes to get ready. I went into the bathroom and decided to take a slow, leisurely bath. That would relax me and put me at ease. I scrubbed myself, washed my hair and tried numerous things. But I still looked the same. The same girl with messy eyebrows, small eyes, flat forehead and long hair. Even after trying the numerous permutations and combinations there hardly seemed to have made a difference. I took an extra fifteen minutes and concentrated on myself but it didn't help. There the clock ticked to show it was still three and a half hours left. I had to talk, take it off my chest...and I woke my sis to lend me a patient ear.
Unlike, the numerous other occasions when I have been named and shamed for causing such grievance to my sis, as waking her up from her beauty sleep, this time around she did lend me a sympathetic ear and let me talk.
"Say," she said softly after rubbing her eyes furiously to make sense of the day or night in the little lighting.
"I am confused. I want to go but a part of me is worrying about leaving some things behind. And that is new to me. I always thought I wanted this with all my heart and soul and now that I have my dream before me I am scared to pursue and tread on the path." I let all this out in one go without giving an ounce of thought that could she hear me clearly or not.
"Is this worry about leaving behind Jigar and things won't be the same between you two?" She cocked her eyebrows at me and then I realized she was all awake.
"I don't know."
She held my hand and entwined her fingers into hers. "Sis, even if you are worried about leaving him behind, that's okay. It's okay to feel sad and lost, it's a friendship of a lifetime and you wouldn't want to lose out on him and his shoulder." She looked at me with understanding eyes, "Sis, don't fall into the trap of holding things against him if he loves you dearly. And till I know it from you, he doesn't love you that way. And even if he does there isn't anything wrong with it. He has no expectations from you till I am aware of."
A small, "hmmm," escaped in acknowledgement.
"And sis if you love him you don't need to justify it with logic. It happens...happens to everyone."
"My life isn't a Bollywood potboiler. Best friends unknown to their own feelings, distance- an external agent play a role and bring them together for a lifetime."
She laughed, and hard. "Don't sulk." She said. "You know even if you were in love with him you wouldn't accept it and if you aren't that is god damn a relief for all of us."
I sighed. "Listen take one thing at a time. Why think unnecessarily and ruin your moment? If the distance is the agent, let it play a role and let destiny decide for you two...since you two can't for yourselves."
Though there wasn't anything in her words I hadn't thought about, yet coming it from her mouth made sense to me. As if the end of our conversation was a cue because my mother landed exactly the same time to break the heaviness.
"Wow! It took a place like Mumbai for you two girls to bond." She squealed in delight at our closeness.
I evaded the conversation as it was steering towards an uncomfortable zone. I left the room without answering. There was a sumptuous spread on the breakfast table. Everything was made keeping my choices in mind. There were pancakes, cheese omelette, toast, caramel pudding (I loved to start my day with sweets) and my favourite coffee. I was happy and I realized the pain my ma had taken to make all of this for me before I left.
Before dad could offer to drop me, I butted in.
"Dad, I don't want anyone to drop me. I mean, it is just..." and I could feel my tears stinging that would drop any minute.
"Mom and everyone want to..."
"Dad...I understand but I don't want to howl. It is going to be difficult and I think I will not be able to compose myself. And I don't want to cry before I sit on the train."
Ma who was hearing the entire conversation was very disappointed with my logic but dad dismissed her concerns and agreed to let me be on my own. After breakfast, my ma performed a quick ceremony of warding the evil and treated me with curd and sugar (a customary ritual before you go out for any good cause). I hugged my ma the hardest and wailed, dad kissed me on my forehead and sis was all teary-eyed but pretended to be very happy about seeing me leave.
I did not cling and made a move quickly. I had a heavy heart but I refused to let my emotions go out of control. I quickly got into the waiting taxi and left without looking back, afraid of displaying my vulnerability to my parents.