LAYLA
May 16th 2018
I unscrew the cap from the bottle of Jack Daniels in my grasp, taking a massive swig from the bottle, and I hiss as the burning sensation slowly travels through my system, heating me from within.
"I'm sorry, baby," I apologise to my husband as I empty the contents of the bottle over his grave.
I came here today to confess my sins, ask for forgiveness and say my farewells. Even though I know I am not worthy of such a gift, it will not deter me from doing or saying what I feel is right.
"I wish I had listened to you; I should have recognised the warning signs and shielded you from Jimmy, he always made you do unthinkable things." My voice cracks and I swallow back the lump that has formed in the back of my throat.
"I loved you with everything I had; I thought we'd die together in old age, but not like this." I scoff. "My heart and soul died the day you died, and every day since, I've wanted nothing more than to step out in front of a moving truck and end all the pain and suffering I've been engulfed in."
I place the empty bottle in my bag, kissing my fingertips and I place them on his headstone.
"I lost everything after you died, including my dignity and in return, I ventured into the darkness. I became a legit hooker, fucking every man who walked through my door and I let them erase your touch from my body, no questions asked, until Jimmy showed up." A sorrowful whimper escapes my lips.
I tip my head back, closing my eyes, and bathing my face in the natural rays of light that the sun has to offer with its murky clouds staining the horizon.
"I'm not sure if you've heard, but your brother is dead; that bastard deserved it, and I feel no remorse, especially after he paid me to fuck his brains out while asking if he fucked me better than you." I snarl with disgust as goosebumps mark my skin, like a wildfire losing control.
I toss my bag onto the grass and sit, taking care not to sit in the area where the whisky rests in the grass.
"He didn't, you know?"
I whisper, reaching into my bag, lighting a cigarette and I take a long drag from the carcinogenic stick, allowing the smoke to coat my lungs generously before exhaling.
"No one will ever grasp how you managed to make me scream with pleasure the way you did," I say with a cheeky smirk on my face as I stare at his picture.
I nip at my bottom lip and tug at my earlobe as I allow my mind to be flooded with flashbacks of our raw, un-vanilla lovemaking and my heart starts to pound heavily against my chest.
A gusty breeze whips by me, leaving behind a familiar aroma that I swear was Ryder's favourite cologne. I comb my hair with my fingers and chuckle at my absurd thoughts. What I would give right now for one of his bear hugs, and the thought causes my heart to lurch into my stomach.
I have numerous regrets in my life, the biggest of which being that I never lived in the moment with Ryder, as he had always urged.
"My love, I am consumed by an abundance of guilt. I murdered your brother, disposed of his body, and I robbed my bosses safe. This is all in a day's work." I take another long drag of my smoke, wiping the beading sweat from my brow with the back of my hand.
"I spent the night in a motel, tossing and turning, knowing Lisa would be absolutely distraught over Jimmy's death. She saves my life in exchange for which I persuaded her to assist me in stealing Chad's money, leaving her to suffer from the consequences."
From my bag, I extract the little Thermo bottle containing Jack Daniels and coke, I drink it all in one fluid motion.
"I simply... Shit! I came here today to express my regret and to inform you that this will be the final time I visit you for a while. I'm going to return the money to Chad and also come clean about Jimmy; I'm going to tell the authorities that I struck him and I was solely responsible for his fatality." I take one final drag from my cigarette and flick it over the grass, watching as the spark fades.
A likeness to my life...
"I still listen to the saved voice mail messages you left for me on my birthday. I haven't been able to delete any of them, the sound of your voice is soothing and I'm so relieved that I haven't erased the last link I have to you, Ryder." My eyes start to water and l sniffle, wiping my nose with the sleeve of my hoodie.
"I wish things had turned out differently; I wish I hadn't been such a nasty heartless bitch that night, pushing you further into despair." I furiously wipe away the tears that have stained my face with heartache.
"Had I known then what I know now, I would have moved heaven and earth to obtain the justice you and those boys deserved?"
I suck in another deep breath, slowly exhaling as I rise, standing over his grave once again.
"I failed you, and I shall be eternally sorry."
I extract our wedding bands from the back pocket of my pants and place them on the base of his grave. "Will you keep this safe till I return?" I sigh and kneel on one knee to kiss his photograph for the final time.
"If you ever see your brother, tell him to reveal himself to me through the shadows of my torments; I'll be waiting for him, and there is so much more that has to be said between us," I grunt as I take one last look at his grave.
"Wait for me, please, my love?" I beg as I turn away from my husband's resting place and walk three blocks to the bus terminal with a confession on the tip of my tongue.