"You know you scream like a girl, Eamon," he chuckled, looking down at me briefly. "Maybe that’s why I always forget you’re a boy. There’s this feminine energy around you whenever we’re alone."
"That’s because you treat me like one," I retorted, glaring at him, also hoping the panic that flared in my chest was not visible. "You practically dress me up and do the littlest things for me. So forgive me if I’m giving off a feminine aura."
He laughed and deposited me gently on the mattress. Then he climbed in beside me, wrapping his arms around my waist again and burying his face in the crook of my neck.
I lay still for a moment, stunned by the intimate position.
"Don’t feel sorry for me, Eamon," he said after a while. "I don’t feel sorry for myself. I’ve learned to adapt, and I compensate with my fighting skills. I’m an excellent fighter, you know."
"You don’t feel embarrassed?" I asked.
"No," he chuckled again. "Why should I be? I’ve survived worse things than my semi-illiterate state, and I’ve really had good people around me who make me forget I’m stupid. Rhett used to sit next to me in every exam or test, and Slater, the first week he was elected, made the café, the book stores, the supermarkets... all the stores on campus place pictures of every item they sell."
"And you think they’re not your friends?"
He drew in a deep breath. "Sometimes, it’s better not to define a relationship so that you don’t always get wearied by the expectation of that definition. I’ve never spoken about my condition to the boys; it’s just my form teachers and Headmistress Vale who are aware on the administrative level, but somehow, we’ve managed to make it work. The day we start calling each other friends, bad things will happen."
I smiled. "Bad things like what?"
There was a slight pause before he murmured. I could tell he was struggling to stay awake at this point.
"We might end up fighting over you, and I don’t want to fight Rhett and Slater over you. I will duel with Marcus if you’re the winning prize, but I see Rhett and Slater as my brothers, and it’ll hurt so much like it did when I lost my first friend..."
He trailed off, and I heard him mutter something under his breath.
"Enough talk about sad things, Eamon. I want to kiss you so badly, but I’m worried it’ll become a habit, so I’ll sleep it through, and you’re my best sleeping aid."
I leaned against him, wishing he would cash in that kiss. We lay in silence until his voice came again.
"When I was 10, I met a boy while travelling to places, and I didn’t know his name. Never asked him for his name to date, but you remind me of him a lot, Eamon. He was the kindest boy I’ve ever met and..." his voice cracked suddenly.
"The day we agreed to become friends, he died the next day. I don’t want to jinx a lot of things that seem to be going right in my life right now, Eamon. I don’t have a lot of happy memories, and I don’t want these memories to be taken away from me either."
"Calling us your friends won’t jinx anything, Kael," I replied gently. "Besides, no matter how much you think you can live life carefully, you need to give room for strange things to happen; that way, you can learn how to heal fast and move past it."
"How do you know that?" he asked.
"Because I think we’re alike in so many ways," as I said it, my eyes crinkled with a sad smile. "I don’t have a lot of happy memories either, but I do my best every day to cherish what I have now, and I try to live like I have nothing to lose."
"Do you have anything to lose?" he asked again.
I thought about my parents and my life at Crestborne before I came here. I thought about my bittersweet memories with Slater and how, somehow, life had brought us back together. I thought about how Rhett seemed to be my checkmate for knowing I would never be judged no matter what I did.
I thought about how Kael’s presence grounded me and how somehow, I’d come to rely on him. If I didn’t have anything to lose months ago, I’ve somehow managed to become one of those people putting down roots again.
"Yes!" I said finally. "I don’t want to lose the friendship I share with Slater, you and Rhett. How about you? What’s your biggest fear?"
There was no response and relaxed against him, thinking he’d dozed off. I closed my eyes, willing myself to sleep, when I heard his voice again.
"My biggest fear is falling in love with you."
I felt like I’d been poured cold water at his confession. No matter how much we claim we want the truth, it can be difficult to handle when it comes.
"I fear that if I love you, then you’ll inherit my burdens and I won’t be able to protect you all the time."
I scrunched my brows in confusion. "You don’t fear the vulnerability that comes with love. That’s what people fear the most."
He adjusted his weight slightly and then flipped me around so I was facing him. In the semi-dark room with his face hovering over mine, I didn’t miss the tenderness in his eyes.
"I don’t fear love, Eamon. I think love is a beautiful thing because it saved me from dying a long time ago. I also know love comes in different shades, but it doesn’t matter what shade you get; love is not weakness. It’s strength."
"So, what you fear is your inability to protect me?" I asked, confused.
He nodded. "I can’t say too much about it, and I can’t give you promises either, but if you ever turn up as a choice and I must choose one..." he swallowed hard. "I don’t think I would choose you, Eamon, because I know whatever option I’ll choose over you will protect you."
I stared up at him for a few seconds, wondering if he was trying to pass a message with his ambiguous words.
"Now," he sighed, cupping my jaw and tilting my face towards his. "Can I kiss you now? Please!"