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Xyna
After my encounter with Dwyne, I went home immediately. And there I cried and cried in the living room.
My cellphone rang one after another.
I looked at it. It was a notification from facebook, from people tagging me on their posts and comments. I decided to look at them, even though I know it will hurt me. But I don't actually care now. Now that I've already lost everything?
First, I took out a deep breath.
Post 1: She's very good at pretending to be innocent so she got us, we didn't notice what a loose bitch she really is! What a whore.
Post 2: I hope you and Dwyne break up! You cheater! You don't deserve him! He's too perfect to just be with a whore like you!
Post 3: What a slut, you have Dwyne already, but still not satisfied and still sex with others!
Post 4: You don't deserve Dwyne, you cheater!
Post 5: You disappoint me. I used to be your fan but I didn't know you were like this.
I haven’t read the rest. Even though I didn't do it, I was hurt by what they told me. I don't actually know why I'm saying that I'm hurting even though I feel nothing but emptiness. Maybe, because that's what I must feel at this time? The pain?
I cried and cried again. I also don't know why am I crying if like I said feel nothing. That I felt hollow and numb.
What Dwyne said earlier came back to me.
“I've never loved you, and will never be. Don't make me laugh, Xyna. How would I love you? You, a cold-hearted demon? Don't dream so high, a person like you who doesn't care about what people feels don't deserve to be loved and be love. You don't deserve me and I don't deserve someone like you”
“I've never loved you, and will never be. Don't make me laugh, Xyna. How would I love you? You, a cold-hearted demon? Don't dream so high, a person like you who doesn't care about what people feels don't deserve to be loved and be love. You don't deserve me and I don't deserve someone like you”
“I've never loved you, and will never be. Don't make me laugh, Xyna. How would I love you? You, a cold-hearted demon? Don't dream so high, a person like you who doesn't care about what people feels don't deserve to be loved and be love. You don't deserve me and I don't deserve someone like you”
I pursed my lips. He's right at what he said at all. I don't deserve him,and he don't deserve me. He deserves someone better than me. He's right when he said that I dream too high. My bad. It's my fault that this happened to me.
If only I didn't let myself fooled by him. Things wouldn't have been turned out this way. Or if only I didn't went to that bar, I didn't have to hear that cruel truth. It's my fault. It's all my fault that things turned out this way.
Due to hatred— hatred for myself, I throw everything I could see in the living room.
I even knocked the sofa down, as well as the glass table, causing it to break into pieces, just like my heart.
I just sat on the floor crying. This time, I'm starting to feel the pain, the loneliness, and the regret. Why now? Why do my emotions have to return now? I-I can't handle it.
I can't handle the pain. It's too much. It feels like it's breaking apart. Like someone shoot me with a gun in my chest. It's so painful. It hurts so much. I-I can't handle this now.
Everything is coming back to me. All those hurtful events, how my parents abused and then abandoned me like I'm just nothing but a piece of trash.
But I just realized that...it's all my fault my life turned out this way. It's not their fault, there's no one fault, only me, only myself. I made my life like this. I'm the reason why my life was in deep despair and suffering until now.
This realization really did hit me so hard. Because I thought it was everyone's fault why I'm like this. But turned out to be not. I wasted my life thinking why people wants to make my life miserable. Why everyone wants to break me apart? Why me? Why not someone else, but me? Why? But the answer is actually because I first made myself turned out like this. I broke myself and everyone just followed my lead. The problem is me. It's all me.
I started crying nonstop because the pain was so overwhelming. That's all I can do, cry. Cry it all out. But even if I cry until the morning it just won't stop. My hearts bleeding so much.
Then I saw a sharp glass next to me. It came from the glass table I broke down.
My mind's in a haze.
I think that I better die now. To end the pain. To end this overwhelming pain I can't even stop. To stop my my heart from bleeding. And to stop myself from breathing. I though, I just want to die. Right now.
I picked up that glass.
“M-My life doesn't matter anymore, I'd better die. A trash and useless person like me must leave this world now. It doesn't matter if I die after all. Everybody will be even happy of that.” I smiled bitterly for the last time.
I was about to stab it in my neck when suddenly someone hands stopped me.
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