Rosie's POV
Three weeks...
It has already been three weeks since I last saw and talked with Jake. For how many times, my hand would unconsciously grab my phone and try searching his name through my contacts only to put it back down once again after remembering the words we promised to each other.
No calls and messages...for one fucking month....
No matter how much I wanted to check articles about him or stalk Voelevard on Twitter so I'd at least know how he's doing, every time I tried to make an attempt to do so, Jake's words kept ringing on my ears.
"I'll wait for you..."
And that's more than enough to make me feel at ease...
His teary eyes, sad smile and warm hug: those were the last memories I had from him.
"Rosie..." I was startled when I heard my Mom calling my name. I looked around and realized that we've already reached our destination.
My mom turned her head and eyed me worriedly, a soft smile soon emerged on my lips.
"Don't worry Mom, I'm ready." I told her.
Today is Mark's birthday and finally, I decided to pay him my respects and visit him.
It's three months overdue actually.
Even after the continuous efforts of my mom to convince me, I've avoided visiting Mark's final resting place. It was when I was scared and I was blaming myself for his death. All I see those times was the wreck that was me in front of the mirror and how my life is not as artsy but is actually the biggest shit it can ever be.
Before I change my mind, I hop out of the car and with light steps, I moved forward to the place I never thought I'd never visit three months ago.
One....
two....
three...
My light steps transitioned into heavy ones, my calm demeanor slowly fading on its own. The facade I had tried to put up before I decided to face my fears are slowly being overthrown my too many emotions.
Until I stopped, my eyes focusing on his name clearly imprinted on the tombstone before me.
My eyes closed as I feel the cold breeze, my hands automatically wrapping around my bare shoulder, the hem of my white dress flipping a little, I had to fix it for a moment.
"Oppa...." I whispered as if I am talking to him and he can hear me.
It feels weird, like he should appear in front of me right now, but my sane mind knows he won't.
Never.
My heart clench at the thought. It's as if it is being ripped open.
"I miss you..." I started, my throat hurting a little as I try to stop myself from crying. I wanted to show a better me in front of him.
But it seemed to be harder than I thought.
There's so many things that I wanted to tell him, especially when I first learned about his death. But after I read the letter that he left me, I feel like those questions no longer matters. I feel like this moment should not be all about questions, but a moment of acceptance.
Every question that I had in mind already forgotten.
He was tired.
It was his decision but somehow, I want to blame myself for not being to help him.
Smiling, I once again looked up in the sky as if he was watching me from there.
"Are you happy?" I whispered.
I want to blame myself for being so clueless. I should have noticed that there is something more between his recent actions when he was still with me.
As a friend, I feel like I failed to do my part as someone who should have been the first person to realize that there is something wrong.
At the back of my mind, I wished I paid attention. I could have at least see the signs. Then maybe she'd still be standing in front of me today.
"I didn't cry..."
I was startled when I heard someone else's voice, my body turning in an instant.
And there they were, Luke and his mom. He was guiding his mom towards me and before I knew it, I had started walking over to support her like I always used to.
Luke flashes me an understanding smile.
Soon enough, the two of us stood side by side, Luke leaving us alone.
The silence between us is deafening. It's scary yet comforting at the same time.
I knew that we share the same pain, but then I can't even fathom the pain she must have felt after losing her son. And the way she had a breakdown before proves it even more.
"The first time I found out about it, I didn't cry." she started and I listened.
"Why would I cry when I wasn't believing any of those shits they have been telling me? I mean, that's Mark. It was impossible." a weird set of sounds escaped her lips and I had to do a double take to make sure she's okay.
Mom's Mark had always been the brave one. I guess that's where Luke got his traits. But it's painful to see her hurting like this. She's like my second mom.
"Mark is always the good son, the exact opposite of Luke. He goes home with excellent grades. He always smiles and never complain about anything." she added.
That's correct. Mark is the epitome of perfection, or so we thought. We didn't know that behind his perfect image is a broken mirror, an imperfect him.
And I felt so stupid for missing that.
Of course, everyone should have their flaws. Because that's how people grow.
"The last time we saw each other; why didn't you defend yourself?" I heard her, her voice a little shaky as if she's trying her best not to cry
My eyes focused on the sky above us, birds flying in flocks.
Why? I wanted to ask myself too. But I guess unconsciously, I knew it deep inside.
I was guilty.
"I thought you are right auntie." I started, my voice shaking a little. The fact that I had been trying not to cry since earlier before she arrives didn't do me any favor. My emotion had bottled up inside.
"I thought it was really my fault," I added, my voice cracking at the end. By this time, my tears had started falling down my cheeks but I didn't try to wipe them away. It would be stupid to do so since I know I had to settle this once and for all. "All he did was love me, care for me, but I didn't love him back," I told her.
"Rosie..." she whispered before turning towards me, her hands cupping my face.
"Don't," she started which got me all confuse.
She looked at me with guilty eyes and I noticed how she seemed to have aged too much from the last time I saw her.
"It wasn't your fault, but mine." she muttered and my heart broke into million pieces at the sight of her face.
She's broken, and she's barely keeping herself together.
"It was my fault for not noticing what's breaking my son's heart. It wasn't you. Just because someone loves you doesn't mean you have to reciprocate the same emotion that they're offering. That's pretense and you'll both end up breaking each other." she whispered and I took her hands from my cheeks and held them in front.
"I was a fool to lash out on you like that, please forgive me."
"Auntie..." I whispered. She's having a hard time breathing.
"I was hurting and I was desperately trying to find someone else to blame and I stupidly thought you're the right person for that when it should have been me all along. You loved him as a brother. I know you cared for him," she added.
I pulled her for a hug, trying to comfort her a little.
"Aside from the letter that he gave you, he also gave Luke and me. And you know what's funny? He anticipated my future actions. The next line after I love you Mom is, 'Don't blame Rosie,'"
Shit.
"He had always cared for you. But we all know you not loving him back isn't enough for him to decide to end everything." she stated and I agree. "He must have been hurting, and me as his mother didn't even realized," she said while crying.
The amount of pain she's keeping exploding before me. She was blaming herself. But I don't think it was her fault. I know for a fact how much she loves both Mark and Luke. But who am I to question a Mom's love for his son?
"You love Mark and that will never change, Auntie. I am sure Mark wouldn't like to see you hurting while you blame yourself for his death," I told her. Deep inside, I think I knew it wasn't fully her fault. She just can't accept the fact that she wasn't able to do anything about it.
Just then, Luke came forward along with his cousin. Shortly, I release my arms around her.
"Mom, I think that's enough. You need to rest," he whispered as he wipes the tears on her Mom's face and her mom understood.
After pulling me for another hug, Luke's cousin guided her back to their car, Luke staying.
And then I felt him grab my hands and I looked at him confused.
"Rosie, I know this might be late but I want you to know that I was never mad at you." he started and I sniffle in tears as I listen to his words.
"You deserve to find someone who loves you and you equally love back. Don't hesitate to fall in love. Break Free from this incident. That's what my brother would have wanted," he added before pulling me closer to his chest, his right hand messing with my hair like how Mark used to.
"I know, and thank you," I mumbled.
Once he pulled me out of the hug he flashes his smile before me. "That guy from before, you love him right?" he asked and my heart started beating rapidly just the mention of him.
I didn't respond. I'm not sure how to tell it actually but it seems like he understood.
"Don't worry, he loves you too. And I actually admire him for trusting you last time. I was sure he wanted to move forward and pull you away from my mom when she was hurting you but he looked elsewhere, while fighting with himself. He probably knew you have to deal that with yourself." he stated and I was taken aback with his words.
"But if ever he hurt you, don't hesitate to call me. I may not be your best friend like Mark but you're almost my younger sister. I'm ready to break anybody's bones if it's because of you," he stated and I was touched by his words.
For the last time, he messed my already messy hair before taking a step back until he's running towards their car, me staying for a moment.
My eyes landed back to Mark's tombstone.
"Did you plan this? For every one of us to gather here today so we can have a closure?" I whispered.
Until the end, he never failed to show me how he loves me.
"I love you oppa...." I whispered, and I mean it.
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