One month later
Noah’s dead and it’s finally sinking in. The time I heard the news, I was frantic, I thought it was a joke, a stupid one.
I waited, for the news to turn out into a hoax but it was very real. It was a nightmare that I couldn’t flee, even though I badly craved to.
I feel his absence every day, especially when I wake up and the feeling of being alone crawls back in, deep into my skin.
The day he proposed to me was the happiest, and somewhere in my heart, I felt that happiness doesn’t last forever but never in a million years did I imagine it would be this short-lived.
I had a feeling he would do something stupid the moment he left, he wasn’t alright and I was to blame. I said those hurtful things to him when he was at his lowest.
Somewhere in his heart, he felt he wouldn’t make it out alive so he chose this.
Noah committed suicide, as I was informed by the police. He drove his car straight into the river from the top of the bridge.
My first thought was, he might be drunk at that moment but Lucas denied it.
Lucas was the first one to be informed of his death. He was found dead at 3:30.
I didn’t know that was our last goodbye, but I just want him to know that I loved him with all my heart and no one can ever mean that much to me. I hope he is happy and safe.
Out of the miseries of life, the very one that haunted him drove him to the edge. It’s dreary here, all alone.
Sometimes, I hate breathing. Relief is after all just a few breaths away. But I can not walk on the same path as he did.
Neither can I ever forgive Noah for deserting me, when it was eternal love that he promised me.
This is wrong and very unfair, but everyone’s hopeless in front of death because it waits for no one, and neither does it have any feelings.
Lucas has been helping me since then, as my life has been in a complete state of turmoil.
He comes here daily, to check up on me.
My train of thoughts is broken by a booming sound. It’s the door being knocked at. Steady palms against the cheap wood.
I stumble towards the door and open the door. It’s Lucas. I give him a strained beam. He’s been affected by this too.
“ I brought lunch. I…I also bought some paperwork, some things related to Noah. You need to deal with this now. “ he says a bit hesitantly.
I let him in and he plops on the couch whereas I head towards the kitchen to set food on the table. I invite Tim for lunch.
“ Have you eaten? “ I ask, referring to the food neatly set on the dining table.
“ I’m full. You can eat, then I’ll inform you of some important matter aye? “ He asks.
“ I’m not hungry. “ I state, my tone lacking any sort of human emotion.
He looks down and sighs heavily.
“ You’ve been doing this for a long time, Emma. “ He points out and I sit on the sofa in front of him.
“ Are you sure? “ I ask out of nowhere.
“ Sure about what? “ He asks tilting his head slightly in puzzlement.
“ That…that it was a suicide. I know we’ve discussed this before but I just can’t believe it, Lucas. “ I say, fidgeting with my hands.
He throws a file in front of me, I look at it wearily.
“ This is his will. He changed it last minute. All his wealth is yours now Emma. Why do you think he did it? He knew what he was about to do Emma. All the things you told me, the death of his father, his mother disowning him. The fight you guys had, how he became abusive. It all got to him, Emma. He was strong on the exterior, but he was hollow from the inside. “ He informs.
I look at the documents, shocked. Why would Noah do that?
“ He..he knew what he was about to Lucas. He came to me that night and he apologized for slapping me. But he looked restless as if something was haunting him. I just don’t get why he would take such a big step so suddenly. “ I wail, in a state of vexation.
“ He…he left a letter for you. “ He passes me the letter with firm hands where I accept it with shivering hands.
“ You can read the letter in isolation. I’ll leave now. “ He whispers, getting up.
“ Lucas before you leave, are you sure he wasn’t drunk. “ I ask, hopeful, a slight chance that he might not have killed himself. Because that was depressing and I needed to hear something else for my sake.
My brain couldn’t take the fact that I failed to understand Noah. That he was suffering and I was too blind to see it.
I open the letter with trembling hands.
You’re probably reading this letter, at the point, I’ve given you immense pain. But there was no other way Emma. I thought the problem was Sophia, and if she would go away so would the bothers of life. But they were always there and they just increased with time. A little late, but I came to realize, it wasn’t her that was the issue, it was me. I drive everyone away from me. I had money, but I wasn’t happy and then I tried obtaining things that made me happy, I tried owning them with money and that was where I failed. I’ve given you an immense amount of pain and it hurts me every time you forgive me like the angel you are.
Emma, I am the issue, and I don’t want myself to bring you down. I verbally abused you, initially and you forgave me. I then physically abused you yet you still forgave me.
We were toxic Emma and I couldn’t feed you into this toxicity with my own hands.
I loved you too much to hurt you with my toxic presence, and I loved you too much to separate myself from you. This was the only way.
But don’t blame yourself, I was slowly losing the will to live. Everything was pointless and a life lost its meaning.
You were the only one that gave meaning to this bitter circle of life, and I didn’t want to take that light away from you. You’re too young for this Emma, I can’t give you more pain.
You deserve the world, and nothing less.
Do me a favor and live for me a little.
The letter ends and I’m left in a pile of tears. My heart beats a thousand beats a second yet my body is too numb to feel it.
I place the letter, close to my heart and feel his presence. It is one of their last things his. A remembrance of his beautiful existence.
My body feels heavy and not knowing exactly when my eyelids fall and deep slumber overcomes me, giving me a break from the pitiful reality.
………………………..
I’m woken up from adventure land by that same hard knock on the door.
I groan in annoyance and get up. It’s Lucas again.
“ I brought dinner. “ He states with a smile.
Doesn’t he get tired of doing all this for me? Even when he knows I can’t return the feelings.
He’s been here with me throughout the month. Getting me homemade food, buying groceries, and even doing laundry for me!
He sets the plates on the dining table and sits down. I call Tim.
“ I brought Chinese! “ He states happily. Even though I’m barely eating but the food is delicious. His chefs are really good.
“ Don’t give me the I’m not hungry look. You haven’t eaten since morning and I am losing my shit. You either eat it or shove it down your throat and trust me, Emma I won’t mind the latter. “ He grumbles in a threatening manner.
My eyes go wide as saucers.
“ Don’t curse in front of Tim. I’ll eat. “ I reply, sitting down beside him and taking a small proportion of food.
I eat a fork full of the chow mein and realize how hungry I was. I moan in delight.
I look beside me to see Lucas eat with chopsticks like a professional. He smirks at my reaction.
“ Your hungry Emma, you just don’t know it. “ He announces, putting more food on my plate.
He puts different varieties of food on my plate. After eating a few bites, I don’t feel so well.
I drop the utensils on the plate, they make a clinking sound I get up, rushing towards the toilet.
I empty the contents of my stomach into it. Lucas comes rushing behind me.
I clean my mouth on the sink, brushing my teeth to get rid of the nasty taste.
I still use kids' toothpaste, don’t tell anyone but it tastes good!
“ You haven’t been well these days. “ Lucas informs, eyeing me with a look of disapproval evident in his light brown orbs.
“ Indeed. This isn’t the first time I threw up and I often feel dizzy. “ I inform.
“ I…I’ll probably go to the doctor tomorrow. “ I further state.
“ I think you’re pregnant. “ He states.
My breath hitches. That can’t be. That’s not even possible.
“ Lucas it might be a small stomach bug. Me getting pregnant is not even a probability. “ I argue wearily, tired of my life at this point.
“ You’re right. Let me just get a pregnancy kit and remove the doubt. “ He states, still eyeing me with an unknown expression plastered on his face. What is he thinking?
“ But..” I argue.
“ Why are you arguing, Emma as you said, there is no possibility. Zero chance, so do not fret. “ He informs.
He then goes and fetches many pregnancy kits.
I try 3 of them and then we wait. Lucas and I both sit on the couch, eyeing those kits cautiously. My heart thumping at an unknown place. I can’t be pregnant.
The first kit shows a double line, so do the second and the third.
I look at Lucas with a horrified expression whereas he just stares at me with an unreadable expression on his face.
“ You’re pregnant Emma. And you’ve been so careless. You’re coming to the doctor with me tomorrow and you will focus on your diet from now onwards. “ He scolds as if I am a child.
He leaves only after cleaning the dishes and putting me to bed, advising me to take care of myself and have a good night’s rest.
But sleep doesn’t come to me that night. The problem isn’t that I am pregnant.
The problem is that I didn’t have sex with Noah for a very long time and the only person I recently had sex with is Lucas.