Nicholai's slap greeted me when I got home.
I was looking at him with wide eyes while holding my swollen cheek. Shocked by what he just did, I stood in front of him without moving. It was the first time that he hurt me physically.
"Who fucking told you to go out ?!" he shouted with rage.
I stepped back as I saw how angry he was. It had been a week since I got back from the hospital. Nicholai brought me back here to our house, and from then on, my life started to become hell afterward.
He always went home drunk. His treatment towards me became cold. And I never saw him in that worst state. Not until our life started to mess up. And I guess I was the one who messed it up. It was my fault. And every day, he would remind me that it was my fault that our baby died. Every fucking day.
I looked at him angrily and clenched my fist, trying to control myself. I didn’t want to argue with him. I was tired, and I wanted to rest. I looked away and was about to leave him when he suddenly grabbed my arm.
"I am still talking to you!" he said in gritted teeth.
I winced when I felt the pain in my arm. He was holding my arm tightly.
"Let me go, Nicholai. You are hurting me!"
"You will really get hurt more because of your stubbornness. Defy me again, and this isn't the only thing I'm going to do to you!" He let go of my arm and walked towards the door. He even slammed the door shut and left.
I could hear the engine of his car going out of the gate. And I was sure that he would be back here tonight, drunk again.
I close my eyes and massage my temple. "What are you doing to yourself, Denima?" I whispered to myself.
I didn't know that Nicholai was serious when he told me not to leave the house. I really thought that he was just kidding. Now I knew it was not. He was really serious. And I was even slapped just by defying him.
I caressed my cheek again. Damn him for hurting me like this!
I was thinking of leaving him and going home to my parents. But I also thought that maybe Nicholai would press it even more than I really planned my accident. So I chose to stay and proved to him that his accusations against me were not true. I decided to be miserable because I was giving him the benefit of the doubt.
I knew he was just like this because our baby died. It was his way of grieving. Maybe if I stayed for a bit, he would realize that he was not the only one who was grieving. And that perhaps he would change later on.
The big question was, when will it happen?
I sighed and decided to go inside my room and change. I no longer stay in Nicholai's room. I was using the other room. After what happened in the hospital, everything messed up. And I also couldn't stand sleeping beside Nicholai in the same bed after he accused me and scolded me with hurtful words.
For the past few days, I've been thinking about where Nicholai got those annulment papers. I had no idea where he got that. It even got my signature on the paper, which was really odd. I also didn’t know where he got the idea that I planned my accident. Who would be in the right mind to do such a thing?
I sighed and picked up my phone. I dialed Cheni's number. She was the only one who knew what was happening to me now. I was actually thankful that she was always there to listen to my problem. Because without her, I might have gone crazy here at home.
Cheni answered the call after two rings. "Dosh!" My ear hurt because of how loud she was on the other line.
"Dosh ..." I was hesitant to tell her what happened a while ago. Maybe Cheni might suddenly confront Nicholai. I bet it would be a disaster.
[What's the problem?] she asked on the other line.
"I am so tired," I said, feeling so drained.
[What?! Did something happen again? Tell me!] I bit my lower lip. I should tell her to alleviate the pain I felt.
"He slapped me," I told her.
[What the hell ?! Why did you let that man slap you?!] she asked angrily.
I let out a heavy sigh. "I was shocked. I just came home from my baby's grave. He slapped me when I came home. I thought he was just kidding when he said that I am not allowed to go out. He said he was serious,” I explained to her.
I even made a grave for my baby. I knew it was still a fetus, but still, that was what I wanted. I wanted to have a place for my baby where I could visit it regularly. I wanted to feel that the baby really existed even though it was gone. Nicholai didn't know about it. I didn't tell him.
[You should say you came from your baby's grave. My God, dosh! You weren't like this before. Where is the Denima Cris that I know?]
I smiled bitterly. "She was long gone, dosh. And I don't know if I'll ever come back to my old self. Too much has happened. And I guess losing my baby made me lose myself too."
The wound of losing my baby was already etched in my heart. The damage was severe. And I didn’t know when it would heal.
I heard Cheni heave a sigh in the other line. [Dosh ... I want to help you. But you need to help yourself too. Why don't you leave Nicholai?] I didn’t want to answer Cheni because I already knew what she was going to say.
She had been telling me to leave Nicholai. After all, our baby was gone. That there was no longer any reason that binds me to Nicholai. I knew she made sense, but it felt so wrong to leave him in this state, especially since it was still a week since our baby died.
"Thank you for listening to me, Cheni. I am really thankful that you are always there to listen to all my problems. But for now, I can't leave him. I got to go. Manang Linda is looking for me," I said and then dropped the call before she could answer back.
I threw my phone on the bed and dropped myself on it.
Until when, Denima?
How long could you endure Nicholai?